Getting Unstuck from TM: The Mystique of Maharishi's "Vibrations"

Several TM-Free Blog contributors and readers have noted that even after 10, 20 or 30 years out of TM, even after years of active recovery work, they continue to unearth areas where they are still "hooked" into the TM belief system.

Sometimes I too go into the mindset where I believe in and excuse the teachings of Mahesh Prasad Varma (the given name of "Maharishi Mahesh Yogi"), even though I know about his lies, double-crossings, opportunism, contradictions, deceptions, back-pedaling, deceit, two-facedness, and all the rest. I am very puzzled by my cognitive swings, and have tried to understand why I still get hooked. I hope my thoughts on this topic will be helpful for other people recovering from the world of Mr. Varma.

I've come to realize that one reason I get re-hooked is that deep inside I believe he is special. Maybe a saint. Maybe God Incarnate, like Jesus or Krishna. Or maybe God's prophet, like Moses or Mohammed. Maybe enlightened, like the Buddha.

If I believe that, then I believe he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth. And if he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth, then it is not my place to critique him, but to follow him. As we say in the West, "God works in mysterious ways," so no matter how obscene or absurd Mr. Varma's teachings seem to me, I still need to support them.

Why would I think that Mr. Varma has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth? Here are some of my reasons. Did you fall for any of these, or for others? What convinced you to follow Mr. Varma?

Well, I believed he was God's messenger partly because he was so wise, intelligent, quick-witted, well-rounded, self-assured, patient, loving, all-knowing, joyful, blissful. Because he spoke with such authority and confidence about spiritual things. Because he claimed lineage from Swami Brahmananda Saraswati. Because he claimed to be enlightened (or did he only imply it? Does anyone remember his comments on this?)

But most of all because of his amazing aura. Personally, I found his aura overwhelming. His skin was radiant, almost translucent, and it acted like a mirror. It seemed to reflect light. It was actually hard to look directly at him - looking at him was a little like staring into the sun. He virtually shimmered when you looked at him.

And his physical energy field! Oh my! When I was in his presence, I felt transported, high, entranced. Engaged. Intoxicated. I couldn't think straight when I was near him. "I" disappeared - my personal thoughts and personality disappeared, swallowed in the immensity of Love, Power and Energy. Being around him felt like being around an electric generator. It was virtually physical. Like a tidal wave, it would almost knock me over. (It did in fact physically knock over a friend of mine - she fell backwards and I had to catch her.)

Before he'd start a lecture, he'd look slowly around the room at his audience. As his gaze approached me, I felt like a laser beam was approaching. When he looked directly at me, I felt naked. I'd lose all power. I felt he could see right through me, to all my sins. A friend of mine once handed Mr. Varma a flower, and as my friend walked back to his seat, he radiated so much energy (that he had absorbed from his physical proximity to Mr. Varma?) that people in the audience swayed as he passed them. When I sat at Mr. Varma's feet as he begged us to become TM teachers, I could feel only bliss, joy, silence, power, magnetism.

I could go on with more memories - but I'll stop there.

Of all Mr. Varma's attributes, I think it was his amazing energy field more than anything else that swayed me to believe he had Ultimate Truth. So I think it's important for me to demystify his energy field if I'm going to unhook a little more from my belief in his teachings. And if you were influenced by his energy field, I hope this discussion will be helpful to you too.

So, to get a little objectivity and insight into Mr. Varma's powers, I'm going to run a little survey below, engage in some informal, non-scientific data-gathering. If you'd like, please share your stories, comments, answers, insights with us in the "comments" section.

Here is my survey:

(1) Were you ever in the presence of Mr. Varma?

(2) If so, did you experience anything like what I described? Or did you experience something different? Something positive? Something negative? Nothing at all? What did you experience? Do you have any particular memories you would like to share?

(3) Do you know of other people who experienced something similar to me? Or something different? (What?) Or nothing at all?

(4) Were his "vibrations" the same each time you were near him? Or did they change? Did they come and go? When? In what way?

(5) What did you make of his energy at the time?

Did you think it was proof that he was enlightened? Divine? A saint or prophet?

Or did you think he was evil, possessed, working with a dark power, etc?

Or that he simply had an impressive skill, but it didn't prove anything about his spiritual status?
Or did you think he was simply charismatic, a con artist, using hypnotism to produce these results?

Or that we were suggestible, responding to expectation, unconscious material, or peer pressure?

(6) How do you interpret today your past experience of Mr. Varma's vibration?

(7) What does various literature, (Hindu, yogic, religious, scientific, psychological or otherwise), say about this sort of vibration?

(8) Was Mr. Varma's energy "our little secret," our "elephant in the living room," in the TM movement? Did you have an impulse to not discuss it with other TMers or with outsiders? Did you not tell outsiders about his aura because it would sound too religious or brainwashed? Was his energy the thing that convinced you to follow him, but you lied to yourself or to outsiders about that, and said you followed TM due to its scientific research or results?

(9) Have you ever experienced a similar energy around anyone else; or do you know anyone who has? What do you - or they - make of it?

(10) What made you give your heart and/or mind to Mr. Varma?

Now it's your turn.

Whatever You Have Done, Whatever You Have Suffered...

In 1990, five years before I left the Transcendental Meditation Org, I briefly dated a ravishing TM Governor.

She was radiant. Within as well as without. Bright. Creative. Open. Frighteningly articulate. I was insane for her.

Real moth-and-flame stuff.

She had led a challenging life, enduring abuses before and during her career as an insider in the TM Org.

One day, bubbling up out of no where, she shared with me she had had an affair with a married man. He had set her up in an apartment, covered her expenses.

"I was a prostitute," she said simply. And looked me straight in the eye.

I really lucked out. I didn't argue with her. I didn't dismiss or diminish her feelings. Even though I wouldn't characterize what she described as prostitution. Or shameful.

In one of those rare moments of grace we experience from time to time, I sat quietly for some moments.

Our silence was soft as a breeze, soothing.

Then I heard someone say softly:

Whatever you have done, whatever you have suffered, it's part of who you are today. And today—I love you.

Her face relaxed. She smiled.

It was my voice we had heard.

I learned something precious that day. I began the long journey to forgiving myself.

I had stumbled on a truth.

Knowing her past didn't change who she was in my heart.

Not one bit.

Like many of us spiritual-abuse veterans, I found it surprisingly easy—in time—to forgive the Maharishi as my guru, the leaders of his movement, and my fellow TM teachers.

Learning to forgive myself? Staggering.

Even knowing it was all a con, I was wracked with guilt, feelings of disloyalty. Above all, the fear that they were right. The only reason I abandoned the TM Org and Heaven on Earth was there was something monstrously wrong with me.

Without our conversation on a gentle early-spring afternoon 20 years ago next month, I'm not sure I could have ever achieved self-forgiveness.

It's my hope that every veteran of Spiritual or Cultic Abuse will have such a moment of clear, glimmering, dumbfounding revelation.

And will begin forgiving themselves in that moment.

J.

Crossposted on FaceBook

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Secondary Narcissism

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation.

This post was hard to write. It goes right to the heart of my biggest shame about my time in the TM Org.

I've written in the past about my suspicions that the Maharishi had narcissistic traits (which I explain in this article). What I failed to mention there were my own failings in this area.

Long before becoming a TM meditator at age 18, I had some narcissistic traits. I was a bright kid, always scored higher than the top 1% on standardized tests. Between my parents' natural pride and my teachers' assurances that I could grow up to be anything I wanted to be, I got the message that I was a "special" kid. I walked around feeling vaguely superior to my classmates — despite the fact that many of them excelled in areas I was helplessly inept at, such as sports, arts, music, writing.

There's nothing pathological about such traits. Nearly anyone you know who is an overachiever or ambitious in career or life is likely to have a healthy dose of narcissism.

But my seedling narcissistic traits blossomed into fully-ripened flowers of evil when I became deeply involved with the TM Movement.

I learned to refer to nonmeditators as "stress bunnies" and "mud" (after the Maharishi's recounting of a saint telling him everything outside the Indian "Valley of the Saints" was "all a mud.") I knew I was on the most superior path toward enlightenment — the Maharishi's TM. Everyone else was lost in varying degrees of ignorance. Even brushing against "them" or touching them in a crowd could lead to me picking up their "stress." We were "evolving" a hundred times, a thousand times faster than they were.

Far from being a harmless idiosyncrasy, my feelings of superiority poisoned my relationships with others — including other meditators, my family, my former friends. They were lost, "ignorant." I began to experience distance in my relationships with others. I had problems with emotional intimacy. How could I love anyone — even my wife at the time — if I felt superior to them?

If anyone expressed a a viewpoint on spiritual evolution, or a spiritual experience, I always felt my understanding was superior to theirs, my experiences were "deeper."

Looking back I was overwhelmingly arrogant and condescending. With little sense that God — or whatever power is at work in Nature — had infinite compassion for all of us. And that each of us is blessed with value to offer other humans.

I've termed this process "secondary narcissism." Just as our cult leaders were very often narcissists, I believe they found it to their advantage to blow whatever faint sparks we naturally had of superiority and arrogance into raging flames. It's my hypothesis this helped establish control over many of us. Destroying relationships between friends, lovers, family made us all the more likely to focus our needs and dependencies on the cult leader.

I know I wasn't alone. I remember talking with a regional director one day about the Six-Month Course. I asked if he was excited about becoming a "Governor of the Age of Enlightenment." He said, "What's the point? Everybody's becoming a Governor. I want to be Lord of the Universe."

Narcissistic thinking is something I battle with to this day. There's a big gap between my head and my heart. I've reasoned out my addiction to arrogance, and how it served me in my life — and the purposes of the Maharishi. But I'm ashamed that I still experience it daily. I'm horrified when I find myself unconsciously thinking my thoughts and experience are superior to commenters here, for instance. I forget momentarily that every viewpoint is valid on its own terms for the individual expressing it — and their courage for speaking out their truth needs to be celebrated not denigrated.

I still am distant from my family. I wish my relationship with my second wife were closer.

I've made progress in recovering from narcissism. It's a rare day now that I'm not humbled by an insight of a commenter or an emailer. I've taken to heart a slogan I once taught as an addictions counselor: "Strive to be average."

But I think narcissism is one nasty side-effect of growing up TM that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

John M. Knapp, LMSW
KnappFamilyCounseling.com

Denial Makes the World Go Round

An interesting article about the dual purpose that denial serves for human coping.

Many of us crossed the line to detrimental denial in justifying continued Movement involvement, or avoiding facing it full-on after departure. Enjoy!

Denial makes the world go round.

Calling a spade a spade may be painful, but it's the only way to wake up and recover.

If it walks like a cult, quacks like a cult, acts like a cult, and looks like a cult.. well then...

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Memory Loss & TM

Once upon a time Transcendental Meditation Centers still held "advanced lectures" on Sunday nights. One such Sunday I heard an audiotape of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi discussing the memory changes meditators could expect from TM.

He said that a nonmeditator's memory was like a line drawn in stone, meaning it left a deep impression on the mind. He said that, in time, a meditator's memory would become like a line left in water: No deep impression would be left. The Maharishi reassured us that we would always remember things as we needed them, because "Nature supports," but that our mind would no longer be occupied by bothersome memories when we didn't need them.

Many long-term meditators have shared with me that they experience memory problems. Forgetting where they've put their keys. Difficulty remembering names and faces. Problems remembering words. Forgetting important dates and appointments. And they tell me that these problems have gotten worse the longer they do TM.

Some have expressed fear of these changes. Some of the most fearful are people who know members of Purusha and Mother Divine, the Maharishi's groups of monks and nuns. They describe some men and women on these programs as wandering the streets of Fairfield, Iowa, their memories shot, unable to concentrate on people talking to them, eyes clouded by vacant stares.

As with other possible unfortunate side-effects of TM, this is not often talked about in the TM community. In my experience counseling current and former TMers, it is a prevalent worry, however. This is not to say everyone experiences these problems. But many mention it, and many more worry about it because they see it in other TMers they know.

For myself, unfortunately, I never progressed to vacant stares, but friends and co-workers have noted my memory problems and commented on them. I know that when I read, I find it difficult to focus and generally don't remember what I've read shortly afterwards. (I've read the Harry Potter books several times and still am surprised by plot twists each time I read them.) I am 53, and should expect to be subject to memory changes, but colleagues say they are more notable in me than in others my age.

I have no way of knowing, barring some sort of large-scale, double-blind study, whether memory problems are worse or better among TMers than the population at large. And I do not know, if they exist, whether they are caused by TM or the stress and depression common in cultic relationships. But I mention memory problems here in the hopes of starting a conversation in our community regarding them.

There are many things that people who are experiencing memory loss can do to improve their functioning. (Some suggestions adapted from "Embarrassing Memory Problems.")

• Improve your sleep habits, eat plenty of protein, and consider adding Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) to your diet to improve the physiological side of memory.
  
• Increase your exercise to keep your brain in good shape (Journal of the American Medical Association 2004;292:144–61).
  
• Be sociable. People who keep up social contact are less likely to develop memory problems.
  
• Practice conversational skills.
  
• Take up a hobby, particularly one that requires detail work and concentration such as model-building or needlework. I've found chess and crosswords very helpful. Other choices are card games, discussion groups, evening classes.
  
• A simple technique for remembering names and faces is to repeat a person's name once audibly and then several times internally when you are introduced to them.
  
• Organize your environment and personal effects to help you remember where things are located. For instance, always keep your keys in the same pocket. Lay out your things for the office in the same place every evening.
  
• Write down things you need to remember in lists, pocket calendars, or even a PDA (Palm Pilot) to alert you to appointments and chores that you might forget. This is particularly helpful with medication. Also, the process of writing itself seems to improve memory retention.
  
• When you read a book or newspaper, stop and pause from time to time and imagine you are telling someone what you have just read.
  
• Before going to bed, try to recall what happened that day as vividly as possible.
  
• It's easy to forget things we do automatically. Try pausing and registering what you are doing. Say it out loud. It's common to forget whether you've locked a door or turned an appliance off. Try saying out loud, "Oven off."
  
• Try going through your address book from time to time, repeating the names. This helps keep their names lively in your memory.

Does any part of this resonate for you? Do you find your memory has changed for the worse since taking up TM?

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation. It's a reversal of the Maharishi's translation of lesh-avidya. He claimed this was a Vedantic concept: Even after enlightenment there remains some slight residue of ignorance without which one would "drop the body" or die.

I've found that even after I left the TM Org behind, there remain in my mind "alien artifacts," bits and pieces of TM-based myths that still affect me today. I represent my own experience only here. But I've learned from my years counseling TMers that a significant number of others have had similar experiences.

Bankruptcy, Part Deux

Yesterday's post on Bankruptcy in the TM Org apparently struck a nerve. It received the most hits in 24 hours of any post here to date -- nearly twice as many as its nearest rival.

As is often the case, after I publish a post, I start thinking of points I left out. Given the popularity of the post, I thought I'd take the opportunity to add a little more, as well as highlight some of the best that commenters and emailers had to offer.

I neglected to mention that I personally went through a bankruptcy and IRS problem, the beginnings of which I trace back to my time in the Transcendental Meditation Movement. Remember, I started TM at 18, so the financial habits of my early adulthood were completely informed by the values of the Movement.

I think there is a fundamental flaw in comparing cultic processes with brainwashing. A GI in a North Korean prisoner-of-war camp knows who the enemy is and attempts mightily to resist him. In the TM Movement, we did anything but resist the pressures of course leaders. We wanted to believe them. They were our connection to our spiritual natures, to our chosen leader, the Maharishi -- for many of us to God himself (or herself). We invited them into our minds, set the table, and entertained them as best we could. Because cultic processes are first and foremost an abuse of trust, they are the means of the ultimate con game. It only makes sense that so many of us risked our financial well-being to follow the siren call.

I forgot an important thought in the magical thinking that leads to financial ruin: "Nature Supports," the Maharishi's principle that Hindu Gods, eupemistically referred to as the Laws of Nature, will shower blessings on dedicated TM meditators. Gina reminded me:

Additional point... bankruptcies (my situation w/ my ex) also related to magical thinking of priorities:
1) PROGRAM FIRST
2) then nature supports. don't worry about financial and familial logistics because Nature Supports! ........financial neglect resulted in bankruptcy

Sue added this:

Just to add that I picked up a new "attitude" toward money when I was around the Maharishi crowd;;;'It's just 'chrystalized energy.".......Maybe that could be the name of a post. I casually mentioned to my businessman father that if icould have 40,000 dollars, I'd be set for life with M! Luckily he laughed.
Susan

"Curious" raised some good points regarding spirituality and greed in the TM Org:

John, ...

Mr Yogi is a con artist of great skill: he teaches a totally incorrect idea that the mind goes toward more and more. He advertises this as spiritual fulfilment. Then he claims quite falsely that nature supports.

What a crock!

Greed goes towards more and more and there's nothing spiritual about greed, nor are greed and mind the same. Nature is just nature. The more you screw with it, the more you get what you get today!! If we don't harness greed, true spiritual teaching is about harnessing greed, then we have no understanding of supporting nature. Nature, without our support, does what nature is doing. Another thing Mr Yogi is too ignorant to notice.

So, in my appraisal, this makes TM one of the greatest hazzards to spirituality AND nature.

Mahesh isn't alone in the damage he's doing, he isn't even that good at it. But he's much more of the problem than the solution.

For those waiting for nature or Mr Yogi to come to the rescue, it's gonna be a long wait, an endlessly long wait.

Thanks to everyone who shared their own experiences and insights. I may post more of them as time permits.

J.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Drugs, Sex, and Rock 'n Roll

Leaving Transcendental Meditation leaves a void. First, there may very well be a physical addiction to trance. But beyond this is a spiritual hole that many just can't fill.

One day you are working to realize that you are Divine. The next you must face that you are yet another victim of a spiritual con facing bankruptcy, divorce, or madness. The shock can be horrific.

Unfortunately, as with other addictions, former TMers sometimes turn to new addictions to satisfy their craving for the spiritual connection they believed TM provided. It makes its own warped sense.

But those leaving TM aren't the only ones dealing with addiction. Evidently for some TMers in good standing in the Domes and Centers, TM just isn't enough to fill the hole in their souls.

I've worked with current and former TMers who are secret alcoholics. Ecstasy addicts. Pot heads (like Sir Paul McCartney). Second-generation TMers on heroin and Speed (on the streets of Fairfield). One governor abused ephedra every chance he got. Another confided to me that he drank 8 or more 20 oz. Diet Cokes a day because a caffeine buzz reminded him of what it used to feel like "witnessing" when he was rounding.

And substances aren't the only addictions TMers struggle with. One governor I knew alleged that "Johnny" Gray -- of Mars and Venus fame -- had a real sex problem after he left TM. His first attempt at starting a movement was what he laughingly called the "SCI of Sex." Pretty wild for a former brahmacharya (TM celibate monk). Second generation Fairfield TMers allegedly take part in group sex and other addictive behaviors. And how else explain the fad of young women taking up with much older TM men -- usually well-connected in the Movement -- in Fairfield and elsewhere?

Food, too, can be a problem. Most TMers are slender, no question. But it appears to an outside observer that some suffer from an eating disorder -- usually binge eating. I haven't seen Bevan Morris in a Bramha's age. Is he still tipping the scale at 300 lbs?

I've only written glancingly of these problems rampant in the TM Movement and for those who have left. But in the interest of full disclosure, I struggled with the bottle for about 2 years around 2000. And my own weight is sadly not under control. I'm on a continuous cycle of bingeing and dieting -- something that started 30 years ago during my full-time-for-the-Movement commitment at Livingston Manor. (Most eating disorders blossom in pre-adolescents or adolescents, by the way, not in adults. Update: As Judy Stein rightly points out, binge eating is not typically a disease of childhood. According to the DSM-IV TR, typical onset is in the late teens or early 20s.)

If TM is the most powerful spiritual knowledge in history, why are there so many spiritual voids being filled in such self-destructive ways?

Does any part of this resonate for you? Do you find yourself struggling with one or more addictions?

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation. It's a reversal of the Maharishi's translation of lesh-avidya. He claimed this was a Vedantic concept: Even after enlightenment there remains some slight residue of ignorance without which one would "drop the body" or die.

I've found that even after I left the TM Org behind, there remain in my mind "alien artifacts," bits and pieces of TM-based myths that still affect me today. I represent my own experience only here. But I've learned from my years counseling TMers that a significant number of others have had similar experiences.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Bankruptcy -- Financial and Spiritual

One of the most pressing problems facing current and former TMers I have counseled is financial wreckage -- remaining even long after leaving the Transcendental Meditation Movement.

It is not unusual for TMers to spend hundreds of thousand of dollars on courses, techniques, Ayur Vedic treatments, gems, and more with the Movement. And with current costs running from $2,500 for a beginning meditation technique that takes about an hour to learn to advanced courses that go for up to $1 million, the situation is likely to be much worse for the next generation of TMers.

I've spoken with dozens of TMers who were forced into bankruptcy. And I've heard of hundreds of other cases through third parties.

How do we explain such poor financial judgment? Outsiders, or even TMers who have not attended advanced courses, may never understand the psychological pressure placed on course participants to take advanced courses. Remember, most if not all the Maharishi's courses are announced as a plan for World Peace -- frequently accompanied with threats of world war or other dire consequences if TMers don't step up to the plate.

And most pitches for advanced techniques, courses, and health "consultations" take place when TMers are "rounding," that is when they are practicing many hours of meditation daily. Even just twice daily practice of TM induces trance. And trance increases suggestibility according to many researchers. So selling expensive courses that promise growth toward enlightenment when your marks are in a highly suggestible state is like shooting fish in a barrel.

But we don't have to resort to the "woo woo" factor to observe pressure on TMers for "more and more." And not all pressure comes from the dais from which course leaders extol the glories of advanced courses. On my own SCI course, my course leader repeatedly took me aside to personally exhort me to go on to Teacher Training. She even practiced with me what I could say to my mother to borrow the money from her. "Parents always want the best for children. In this generation, we are fortunate that parents can simply pay for the highest for their children. The knowledge of Maharishi."

Where does all the money come from? From obvious sources like life savings. From forgoing other life goals, like homes and education. From second mortgages. From not filing and paying one's taxes (I know of dozens in trouble with the IRS). From simple begging: More than just families and friends, TMers are encouraged to find wealthy individuals whom they can beg to become "sponsors" of their advanced courses.

And the course fees are not the only sacrifice TMers make for the sake of their spiritual "evolution." They often destroy careers. Many TMers jump from job to job, leaving one each time a new course is announced. The result? A résumé that looks like Swiss cheese in a series of dead-end jobs that should be beneath highly intelligent, talented, and creative individuals like those that chase the Maharishi's dreams. I know: Until I left the Movement in 1995, my résumé had a hole in it nearly every 9 months.

Now, it's true that there are TM millionaires. Some of them were millionaires before joining the Movement. Most of the others became wealthy exploiting cheap, highly skilled labor in the isolated Movement enclaves like Fairfield, Iowa. In either case, they can easily afford the extraordinary costs of honing their spiritual lives on expensive TM courses.

The real worry are the financial hostages of the Movement. Especially the lifelong Purusha and Mother Divine members who are now entering retirement age without money or pension plans.

What a wonder is the legacy of the Maharishi's World Plan.

Does any part of this resonate for you? Do you find yourself in difficult financial straits because of your addiction to TM courses?

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation. It's a reversal of the Maharishi's translation of lesh-avidya. He claimed this was a Vedantic concept: Even after enlightenment there remains some slight residue of ignorance without which one would "drop the body" or die.

I've found that even after I left the TM Org behind, there remain in my mind "alien artifacts," bits and pieces of TM-based myths that still affect me today. I represent my own experience only here. But I've learned from my years counseling TMers that a significant number of others have had similar experiences.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Shame & the TM Movement

I've written before that I left the Transcendental Meditation Movement three times before my final exit in 1995. It was a long slow process. Along the way I would see the occasional "red flag" that set off warning bells in my head. This column is about one such.

About 1988, I remember an incident from when I was active as a Governor in a local California TM center. I was invited for dinner at a "strong" meditating couple's home. They happened to be Citizen Sidhas.

I remember offering to help chop some vegetables or something. The woman was pleased and invited me into the kitchen. I happened to glance into the refrigerator as she was reaching for the food. I noticed a six-pack of Sierra Pale Ale. Just at that moment she caught my eye and saw that I had seen it.

She slammed the refrigerator door shut. Neither of us mentioned the beer. But I had the impression that she was embarrassed. At any rate she gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the evening.

Now she had no way of knowing that her having some beers in her fridge didn't concern me. You see, the prevalent mood of the Movement, as I experienced it, was one of judgement and concommittant shame. One had to always watch what one said or did -- or even felt. Make the wrong choice and you could be barred from a course -- or even from the TM Center.

My guess is this woman was thinking of me as a TM Governor first and a person, second. I just enjoyed her and her boyfriend's company. The decisions they made in their personal life didn't concern me. But most likely either she, or someone she knew, had had a bad experience with Center types and had learned that other TMers, particularly those in authority, weren't to be trusted.

What a shame! A beautiful evening ruined in a microsecond because I happened to glance in the wrong direction. So many beautiful lives ruined by shame or the fear of shame in our Movement.

I guess there's no room for real people in our "spiritual" Movement.

Does any part of this resonate for you? Do you find yourself making excuses for the judgmental behavior of Governors and Sidhas?

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation. It's a reversal of the Maharishi's translation of lesh-avidya. He claimed this was a Vedantic concept: Even after enlightenment there remains some slight residue of ignorance without which one would "drop the body" or die.

I've found that even after I left the TM Org behind, there remain in my mind "alien artifacts," bits and pieces of TM-based myths that still affect me today. I represent my own experience only here. But I've learned from my years counseling TMers that a significant number of others have had similar experiences.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Protecting the Maharishi

I'm a full-time therapist who has worked with a number of children of divorce. Something I've noticed, and which has been widely discussed in the literature, is the tendency of the children to "protect" either one or both parents by blaming themselves for the divorce. They hold the parents blameless for the unavoidable turbulence that breaking up the family apart causes.

This makes a kind of twisted sense. Parents are the most powerful figures in a child's life. They feed, clothe, and protect the child from the evil in the world. If they are wrong or flawed, there is no one to protect a child from that evil. At least in a child's mind. So it's easier to blame oneself than to accept that parents are, after all, human. As a therapist, I know children can't heal until they understand that they are not to blame for their parents' actions and decisions. And for many clients, particularly adults still suffering the aftereffects of divorce trauma from childhood, forgiveness for their parents can't begin until they first experience the anger from and place the blame for the divorce on their parents' shoulders.

Something similar seems to happen to people leaving the Transcendental Meditation Movement. In time, former TMers find it easy to accept that the TM Org was flawed. Some even come to think of the Org as evil, in whatever personal definition for "evil" the individual accepts.

But time and time and time again, I've seen former TMers hold the Maharishi blameless for the lies, fraud, greed, and damage committed in the name of the Movement. Some say he is an innocent, if naïve, monk. Some say he could not have known what was happening in a world wide movement. Some hold he was tricked by conniving deputies within the Movement.

Whatever.

It just seems that questioning the culpability of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi is the last thing many former TMers do.

In an excellent book on exit counseling, Captive Hearts, Captive Minds, Tobias and Lalich state this is a common phenomenon for people leaving cults. I was lucky enough to be exit counseled by Jajna Lalich and Margaret Singer in 1995. I must admit that holding the Maharishi accountable was very difficult for me. I blamed Jerry Jarvis and other Movement leaders. I said that no man could possibly know everything that was happening in the Movement, and so he could not be held accountable. I said that the Maharishi existed in some kind of irreality bubble, like Nixon in his final days, and never received news of the terrible damage that rounding and the TM-Sidhis were causing for some TMers.

I used all the excuses. Lalich and Singer were patient and simply asked pointed questions. Never offering answers. Waiting for me to find my own.

Could the Maharishi really have been innocent? By all reports he micromanages every aspect of the Movement, not just the teaching, but money and real estate deals as well.

According to MIU Anthony Denaro, former MIU professor of law and economics, the Maharishi was aware of Transcendental Meditation side-effects that were "damaging and disruptive to the nervous system." "[He] was aware, apparently for some time [in 1986], of the problems, suicide attempts, assaults, homicidal ideation, serious psychotic episodes, depressions, inter alia [among others], but his general attitude was to leave it alone or conceal it because the community would lose faith in the TM movement. Maharishi had a very cavalier, almost elitist, view about very serious injuries and trauma to meditators." He could accept a "few" sacrifices to realize his World Plan.

It's alleged he went so far as to have the powerful tranquilizer Thorazine administered to students who "freaked out" on rounding courses.

Far from being a weak, innocent creature leaving his movement to underlings to run, the Maharishi has had a history of forcing out the strongest, most capable figures in his Movement, presumably before they could challenge him: Charlie Lutes, Jerry Jarvis, Deepak Chopra, others.

As for the innocent monk part, we now know he was a shrewd businessman and savvy marketer who knew the value and location of every nickel taken in. And he is alleged to have indulged his weakness for sex with many women.

It took me some time and a lot of work. But I eventually found the Maharishi responsible for these and other actions. He was not alone, but as leader of the Movement he holds the lion's share of the blame, in my mind.

But does any part of this resonate for you? Do you find yourself making excuses for our innocent monk?

Do you believe you can ever be free of this man's influence if you continue to hold him innocent? Do you believe you can forgive him and move on before you are willing to name his culpabilities for the damage he's done?

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

To read other articles in this series, click on the label "Remains of Ignorance" below.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation. It's a reversal of the Maharishi's translation of lesh-avidya. He claimed this was a Vedantic concept: Even after enlightenment there remains some slight residue of ignorance without which one would "drop the body" or die.

I've found that even after I left the TM Org behind, there remain in my mind "alien artifacts," bits and pieces of TM-based myths that still affect me today. I represent my own experience only here. But I've learned from my years counseling TMers that a significant number of others have had similar experiences.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: "Spaciness"

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation.

Calling someone "spacey," a "space cowboy," a "Fiuggi Flipout," or equivalent terms was common during my time in the Transcendental Meditation Movement. When I was in the TM Org as a Governor, it seemed a day didn't go by I didn't hear – or utter – similar terms.

Shortly after I left the TM Org, the joke lost its humor for me. You see I realized that I was one of the ones people were laughing at.

I had just gotten used to various experiences over the years. Without realizing that others, in the real world, thought they were odd.

I had the habit of suddenly staring off into space – even sometimes in mid conversation. Others noticed this, of course. My ex-wife in particular got in the habit of touching me gently on my forearm to get my attention when this would happen. I almost invariably jumped – being unaware that I had lost awareness of my surroundings, sometimes for minutes at a time.

I frequently closed my eyes under stressful circumstances – sometimes for seconds, sometimes longer. Disconcerting to say the least for someone who was attempting to talk with me.

When taking trips alone in the car, I found that I spaced out – maybe even blacked out. At the end of a trip I couldn't tell you what had been on the radio or landmarks along the way. I basically didn't remember the trip. Once I drove an hour past my home exit before I "came to" and realized the situation. Another time, I drove 45 minutes in the wrong direction for an important appointment before I "came to." This didn't seem to occur when others were in the car.

I developed difficulty with speech shortly after learning the TM-Sidhis on teacher training. I would frequently forget what I was saying in the middle of a sentence. It become so commonplace for me to have trouble finding words, leading to stuttering, that my family began to joke about it – nervously. I eventually developed the habit of practicing saying sentences mentally before attempting to say them out loud -- to avoid embarrassment.

The technical term for these experiences – at least when they cause dysfunction in one's life – is dissociation. You can read about dissociation here. (There are other articles referenced at trancenet.net that discuss dissociation.)

Do any of these experiences resonate for you? Have you seen these symptoms in other, usually long-term, TMers? Among Purusha? Mother Divine? On the streets of Fairfield, IA?

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Loving the Typically Stressed Family

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is an occasional feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation. It's a reversal of the Maharishi's translation of lesh-avidya. He claimed this was a Vedantic concept: Even after enlightenment there remains some slight residue of ignorance without which one would "drop the body" or die. I've found that even after I left the TM Org behind, there remain in my mind "alien artifacts," bits and pieces of TM-based myths that still affect me today. I represent my own experience only here. But I've learned from my years counseling TMers that a significant number of others have similar experiences.

I'd like to talk about my relationship with my family. Before, during, and after TM.

I experienced more than average conflict with my family as a youth. As I've mentioned before, my father was an alcoholic. Conflict was our daily bread. But despite that, I loved my brothers, sisters, and parents dearly. Even after entering college, I spent every holiday with them and visited at least once a month.

This closeness ended shortly after I became a checker and began living at the local TM Center in Binghamton. I never heard the Maharishi deprecate family relationships. Quite the opposite. He spoke lovingly about families, particularly mothers. But there was an attitude among TM teachers and "strong" meditators that I became exposed to as I got more deeply involved in the TM Org.

All non-meditators were "mud" – even family – and if you associated with them, you could pick up their "stress." (As I've written in the past, "stress" in the TM Movement was understood as a quasi-physical substance, which could be easily passed from individual to individual.)

It wasn't long after being exposed to this idea that I started seeing my non-meditating family less and less. Even after they started TM, I avoided them because they weren't "regular" enough in their practice. I remember this being a topic of general discussion while I was on staff at the Academy for SCI at Livingston Manor.

In the last 20 years or so of my involvement with the TM Org, I visited with my family a grand total of 5 times. Only when I married at 38 did I begin contacting my family more regularly. Eventually reflecting on the lies that I told my family – and my wife – led me out of the TM Movement.

In time, I moved to my mother's hometown. Once again, I see my family most weeks and take part in weddings, births, birthdays, and all the wonderful events that mean being involved in life. My unnatural distance from my family ended, therefore, with the end of my involvement with TM.

My biggest regret is that my father died during my 20 years away from the family. We never had a chance to make our peace with one another.

I realize that this posting is personal and that many, particularly those that grew up within the TM Movement, may not connect with these feelings.

But does any part of this resonate for you?

This article could also have been entitled "Non-Meditating Friends" or "Non-Meditating Co-Workers."

Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: Conflict

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE is a new, infrequent feature of quick hits on life after Transcendental Meditation.

My topic today is "conflict." I find in myself, and have heard other long-term Transcendental Meditators/sidhas comment, that confrontation is difficult. In any form.

Now, as a therapist, I know that conflict can be a healthy thing. It can be the source for the beginnings of necessary change.

But my experience as a TMer was that the more years that I meditated, the less conflict I could handle. Eventually, just a few cross words could send me into a stress reaction.

I found that when faced with confrontation – and by this I mean something as simple as someone disagreeing with my opinion – I would experience the need to meditate, sleep, or at the least leave the situation and spend time alone.

At its worst point, I would take a hotel room when visiting my family rather than stay in my mother's home. I was so fragile that I could only spend a few hours at a time with my family.

I remember when I first reflected on this. I had a friend who was a TM Governor. His wife, not a meditator, complained that whenever she wanted to discuss something with him, he would head to the bedroom and have to take a nap.

I'm wondering if other readers had similar experiences.

While the Maharishi told us our nervous system was getting stronger due to TM, were we actually becoming weaker and weaker? Less able to handle emotional – or even environmental – stress?

After years of work, I feel I've regained my natural ability to handle a reasonable amount of stress in my life without the need to resort to the mantra to shut down.

Does any of this resonate for you? Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

J.

Remains of Ignorance: Asking for Help

I'm starting a new feature: quick hits on life after TM. I'm calling it "Remains of Ignorance" after the Maharishi's translation of the Vedantic concept lesh-avidya. For those who don't remember, the idea is that even after enlightenment, there remains some slight residue of ignorance in an individual, without which he or she would simply "drop the body" or die.

But I'd like to turn this concept on its head -- not meaning any disrespect for Vedanta. Only for the Maharishi's perversions of it. At any rate, I've found that even after I left the TM Org and the self-styled Maharishi Mahesh Yogi behind way back in 1995, there remain in my mind "alien artifacts," bits and pieces of Transcedental Meditation-based myths that still affect me today.

This post is about just one.

I don't know about you, but asking others for help was extremely difficult for me while I was in the TM Org. And for a long time afterwards. I always interpreted it as saying there was something wrong with me. After all, I had internalized the idea that I was "perfect," "enlightened." To admit something was wrong questioned my very identity.

And asking for professional help was especially taboo. After all, I might be banned from a course! Long after I no longer attended courses, the taboo remained for me. It kept me from reaching to friends, family, or professionals -- even when I was desperately in need of help to reassemble my shattered life.

It went even further for me: If someone expressed sympathy or offered caring concern, I would have a strong stress reaction. I felt shame. I felt embarrassment. I think once again it questioned my identity as a "perfect" individual.

I still have some irritability when offered help. But it's much better than it once was.

I am much better about recognizing and accepting caring concern.

A question for our readers: Does any of this resonate for you? Do you have this or similar "Remains of Ignorance"?

Please consider posting your thoughts in the comments below. Just click on "Comments" and type away. Please feel free to remain anonymous. You may help another former TMer with your insights!

REMAINS OF IGNORANCE: On Grieving for God, Part II

Note: You may also wish to read Part I, and Part III.

In Theravadan Buddhism there were entire classes of questions that the Buddha refused to answer, merely saying that the answers would not hasten your way on the path: Are there gods? Have I lived before? Are there evolved beings in addition to humans? and the like.

Post-TM, this is the approach that I've chosen. I've put the entire question of my spirituality on hold for a few years while I let the post-TM dust settle and reexamine what are my personal beliefs -- and which are alien artifacts implanted during my time in TM.

For twenty-odd years I confused "spirituality" with a not-unpleasant dizzy sensation that I paid thousands of dollars to experience twice a day. I confused "ethics and morality" with doing whatever it took to get the money for my next TM course. Someone might lie dying on the sidewalk in front of me, but not only would I not stoop to help him, I'd be careful to not even touch him for fear his "stress" would pollute me.

That was the spirituality I was taught in the TM movement.

These days I'm somewhat less into exotic experiences between my ears, and rather more into old-fashioned "service." That's what my work in trancenet.org, on TM-Free Blog, and in my therapy practice is all about. Service and making amends to the same people I once so disdained if they refused to learn TM.

I figure if there is a god, and he or she doesn't value my service over my meditation-induced decreased blood lactate levels or increased alpha waves, I probably wouldn't be comfortable in his or her heaven anyway.

In a few years, I may feel differently. But for right now, this is comfortable.