TM Kids "Returning to Ananda" Trailer

For a taste of issues of TM - kids - now adults, see this video trailer of a 20 minute Television Pilot

Click on the link below for trailer of
"Returning to Ananda" by Déjà Cresencia Bernhardt-Leazer  of Skwatta Camp Productions


Returning To Ananda (Sizzle) from Déjà Cresencia Bernhardt-Leaze on Vimeo.

June 2015 ICSA Conference Stockholm

It's that time again - link to : ICSA Annual Conference

The conference is an amalgam of recovery workshops, speakers, research presentations, professional education and connecting with new and old friends.

From the conference website :

ICSA’s 2015 Annual International Conference will be conducted jointly with Info-Secte/Info-Cult of Montreal and Hjälpkällan (Help Source - a support organization for people leaving closed religious movements) in Stockholm, Sweden June 25-27, 2015 (preconference workshops on Wednesday June 24th). 

This year’s theme is Children in High-Control Groups. There will be a series of sessions on the conference theme as well presentations relevant to the needs of mental health professionals, former members, researchers, families, and others.

The conference will take place at the Ariadne Scandic Hotel in Stockholm.  

For more information, the conference program, or to register, Click on the link :

ICSA Annual Conference

Conference for Former Members of Groups

Announcement from the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA), a respected organization dealing with high-demand groups:


"ICSA will conduct a conference in Santa Fe, New Mexico November 6-8, 2015.  This conference will focus on the needs of former group members and families and will include a training track for mental health professionals.  Conference sessions will emphasize discussion so participants can address issues pertinent to their individual concerns.

The conference will take place at La Fonda on the Plaza, one of Santa Fe's finest hotels, located in the heart of the old city.

Santa Fe has been chosen in order to give ICSA's western supporters an opportunity to attend a conference closer to home.  It is also a lovely setting for those who come from other parts of the USA, Canada, and the world.

Speakers include some of the cultic studies field's most experienced mental health professionals, as well as former members and family members who will share their experiences.

Attend this conference if you are interested in how psychologically manipulative and demanding groups can hurt people and what can be done to help those who are harmed.  The agenda will address the needs of those seeking help and those who want to help others.  Among the topics to be explored are

·         What helps people leave cultic groups and relationships?
·         Dealing with cult-related trauma
·         Traumatizing narcissism and the psychology of cult leaders
·         Coping with triggers
·         Building relationships and communicating with the cult involved
·         After the cult: who am I
·         Support groups
·         Cults and the suppression of free speech
·         Exit counseling and conflict resolution
·         Spiritual issues in recovery
·         Cults and children
·         Case discussions for mental health professionals
·         Cultic dynamics in sex trafficking

Because Santa Fe is a “daytime” city, we have scheduled 2-hour lunch breaks so that attendees can enjoy walking around old Santa Fe, where there are numerous art galleries, museums, and quaint shops, as well as stunning Southwest architecture.  The hotel will permit the special conference rate 3 days pre- and postconference for those who wish to spend time touring Santa Fe and its environs.  Call La Fonda’s Reservations Department at 1-800-523-5002.

Please tell others about this conference.  We hope you join us!"

Online Information:  www.icsahome.com

New Cult Recovery Support Group in DC Area

The cult recovery group Refocus (http://www.refocus.org) is pleased to announce a new Washington DC-area cult recovery support group.  They meet once a month in Arlington, Virginia.

If you would like to attend the support group, you are invited to contact the co-facilitators, Mary Moore at 703-967-7744 or Marita LaPalm at 734-546-9880 for more information.

I attended a cult-recovery support group for several years, and found it very helpful.

Emotional Problems Post-TM; Relating to Fairfield Relatives, Part II

[This is Part II of the previous article "Emotional Problems Post-TM; Relating to Fairfield Relatives, Part I" - ed.]

Second topic:  How to Relate to Fairfield TM Relatives

Reader's comment:

"I’d like to get back to some previous comment threads on how to relate to family in TM if you are not in it....

'...I don’t expect my [relatives] to give up TM, and I don’t even try to convince them much or argue with them. But I do want to be able to visit them and find things to do (even if by myself or with other family) that are not completely connected to TM or MUM.  I don't mind spending some time at MUM....

'There is certainly a lot of sensitivity to criticism of Maharishi by most I talk to. 

'I’m curious if others have found ways to visit Fairfield and their TM friends and family comfortably, or if it is always uncomfortable for those who are not part of TM any more (or never were).

'...Finally, I’d add that I’m continuing in my reading and effort to see TM as a new religious movement rather than destructive cult, even if some on this site think this misguided or impossible."

My response:

I don't have friends or family in Fairfield, so I won't respond to the first question.  I hope others have some pointers for this reader.  But I will respond to his/her final comment.

My take on it is that the reader is confusing him/herself by trying to compare apples and oranges.  Religions, whether old or new, are in my opinion defined by beliefs and practices.  Destructive cults, on the other hand, are not defined by beliefs and practices, (no matter how unusual the beliefs and practices.)  Rather, destructive cults are defined by the manner in which a person is drawn into and kept in the group.

There are several models to describe this process.  One of my favorites is this simple model:  A groups is a destructive cult if outsiders are: (1) drawn in my deception, and (2) kept in by mind control.

For example, when a person is given an introductory lecture on TM, is s/he told that if they learn TM, in a few years, they might be celibate, meditate  6 hours a day, spend thousands of dollars on astrology and Vedic rituals, wear beige or scarlet, eat a lacto-vegetarian diet, buy an expensive new house, and be convinced that if they don't do their daily TM program, will be personally responsible for World War III?  

Are they told that on relaxing residential retreats, the extra meditations will put them in a state of reduced critical thinking, where they will absorb quasi-Hindu doctrine?  And that in this state of cognitive vulnerability, they will be told that (sub-standard) research "proves" that TM is the solution to all human problems?         

My suggestion to the reader is to learn more about new religions and also more about destructive cults, and then decide for him/herself what they think TM is.  (It could be both!)  There are other models on what constitutes a destructive cult beside the 2-point one I've reviewed here.  I recommend googling Margaret Singer Ph.D., and Robert J. Lifton, M.D, and Steve Hassan, M.Ed's website as noted above, for other useful models.  Also you could look at websites listed on the right hand side of the TM-Free homepage for a start.

Thank you to all commenters for your many, many intelligent and insightful comments.  Also thanks to all who read TM-Free but do not send comments.  

If any other reader would like their comments placed in this position of prominence as a TM-Free Blog "post," please let us know, and we will try to oblige!

Emotional Problems Post-TM; Relating to Fairfield Relatives, Part I

Recently I saw two readers' comments on TM-Free Blog that caught my attention in that I thought they lent themselves to serious discussion.  

The first one mentioned psychological problems the reader has had since leaving the TM movement.  

The second one asked how others manage the tricky terrain of visiting true-believer TM relatives and friends who live in Fairfield and Maharishi Vedic City, Iowa.

I was surprised that no one responded to these two comments.  Since some TM-Free readers read only the essays, but not the reader comments, I suspect this may have been what happened, and these two topics slipped through the cracks.      

So I hope I have not overstepped these two readers' privacy by reprinting portions of their comments below:

First Topic:  Emotional Problems Post-TM?

 Reader's comment:   

"...My commitment to TM lasted about 8 years....I did not have any acute psychological trauma as a result of the rounding and the indoctrination, and the recovery, although a bit slow, was not traumatic either. But I sometimes wonder if some of my psychological/ emotional difficulties are related to my years with TMO [TM organization - ed]."

My response:  

It is not uncommon for people who have left high-demand groups and have re-integrated themselves into the non-cult world to find that they have emotional problems.  The problems may not seem connected to the group; therefore it may not occur to them that these problems are a result of their time in the group.  If they see a psychotherapist, the psychotherapist may also agree that the problems are due to pre-existing issues.  (Psychotherapists are only slowly being educated on this new field of post-cult syndrome.)  For example, long ago I told my psychotherapist that I walked around in constant terror that the world was about to blow up.  He interpreted it in the standard psychodynamic way.  That is, he theorized that I must be angry about something from my childhood, and that I was experiencing that anger in a disguised form, as fear of the world exploding.  

Then, I met with Steve Hassan, an exit counselor.  Steve asked me, "What did they tell you would happen if you left TM?"  I replied, "Why...they said that if I left Fairfield, I would be 'personally responsible' for World War Three!"  And as soon as I made the connection, the terror went away!

That's an obvious example, but it illustrates my point.  I recommend Steve Hassan's website freeminds.org, and his books.  I hope these help.        

Second topic:  How to Relate to Fairfield TM Relatives

Reader's comment:

"I’d like to get back to some previous comment threads on how to relate to family in TM if you are not in it....

'...I don’t expect my [relatives] to give up TM, and I don’t even try to convince them much or argue with them. But I do....

[NOTE:  Something's gone wrong with this computer program, so I will continue this article as Emotional Problems Post-TM; Relating to Fairfield Relatives, Part II. - ed.]

TM-Free Blog requests "flying" memories for study

Did you learn the TM-Sidhi's "yogic flying"?  What was your experience of it?  Some readers have commented that when they learned it, they realized "yogic flying" was a fraud.  When they "lifted off," they were aware that they were propelling themselves with their own muscles, similar to jumping or gymnastics.

But other people report that their subjective experience was the opposite - that it really felt like they were defying gravity, and were being lifted up by something outside their own conscious selves.

I hypothesize that there is a correlation between people's subjective experiences of "flying" and their speed of recovery from TM.  I hypothesize that those who experienced themselves as truly levitating without muscular effort were more suggestible.  Another way of saying that is that they were easier to hypnotize.  Or one could say that their mind/body coordination was more disrupted than those who were able to accurately experience the procedure as a volitional muscle activity.  So I am hypothesizing that their recovery from TM was more arduous.

Mahesh Yogi liked to say that TM and the TM-Sidhis increased mind-body co-ordination.  But I wonder if the opposite was true for some or all - that the "flying" may have disrupted the relationship between the mind and the body, because it trained one to not notice the mind sending instructions to the thigh muscles.

So I am requesting readers to comment below.  What was your experience of "yogic flying"?  And did you recover rapidly from TM's brainwashing and its cognitive, emotional or physical side-effects ?  Or was your recovery slow?

Conference on cults July 2-5

 If you enjoy attending conferences, you may be interested in knowing that the 

International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) will conduct its 2014 Annual International Conference jointly with Info-Cult/Info-Secte at the Sheraton Silver Spring (Maryland), a short subway ride from downtown Washington, DC.  The theme of this year's conference is "Government, Human Rights, and the Cult Phenomenon." However, talks are by no means limited to this theme. The program will be varied with numerous sessions pertinent to former members of cultic or other high-demand groups, families, helping professionals, researchers, and others. A track within the program will include sessions addressing aspects of the conference theme of government, human rights, and the cult phenomenon.  Recent conferences have had about 100 speakers, so there will be much to choose from. The conference takes place from July 3-5, 2014.  On Wednesday, July 2nd, there will be pre-conference workshops for mental health professionals, researchers, families, former members of high-demand groups, and people interested in educational outreach.  I attended an ICSA conference many years ago, and greatly enjoyed meeting other former TMers and attending the talks.

April Workshop for People Raised in High-Demand Groups

 I just received an email from the International Cultic Studies Association.  They will be holding a workshop which TMFree readers may be interested in.  So here is the information:

"Surviving and Moving On After a High-Demand Group Experience: A Workshop for Second-Generation Former Members

When: Friday 4:00 pm April 4, 2014 to Sunday 2:00 pm April 6, 2014

Where: Guest House Retreat & Conference Center, 318 West Main Street, Chester, CT 06412.  Guest House is a delightful retreat and conference center in the scenic Connecticut River Valley. It offers spacious guest rooms with private bathrooms, superb cuisine, and amenities that range from a grand piano in the lobby to wireless Internet in every room. 

More Information:  http://www.icsahome.com/events/workshopsgas

As increasing numbers of people born or raised in cultic movements have reached adulthood, the International Cultic Studies Association has developed a program that addresses their special needs.

Second-Generation Adults (SGAs) do not have a “precult identity” to which they can return. Raised in fringe subcultures, they frequently have educational and other skill deficits that interfere with adjustment to mainstream culture. Having grown up in high-demand, high-control groups, SGAs struggle with issues of dependency, self-esteem, and social conflict. They often have to deal with the trauma of physical and/or sexual abuse. SGAs have difficulty getting help because they tend to lack finances and be wary of other people, including helpers. 

Meeting annually since 2006, this workshop addresses the needs of SGAs through presentations by specialists and former members, including discussions in which attendees may participate according to their comfort levels. Special attention is paid to the need of SGAs for privacy, reflection, and working at their own pace.

This workshop has been made possible by special donations and the willingness of facilitators to volunteer their time. Without the dedication of these people, registration fees would be much higher than they are. Donations cover a substantial portion of the total cost. 

We cannot accept onsite registrations, and we cannot guarantee acceptance of registrations received within 14 days of the workshop start date."

I hope this information is helpful to our readers.

Review of "Mushroom Satori"

“Mushroom Satori, the cult diary” by Joseph Szimhart is a novel about a young man’s vulnerability, seduction and later retreat from a meditation cult community in the New Mexico desert. Szimhart based this novel upon decades of work exit counseling cult victims as they struggle with spirituality, purpose, and identity. 

Jake is a young man who lost his alcoholic Vietnam veteran father to a motor cycle accident. As Jake struggles to find meaning in an oft confusing world, he joins an emerging spiritual community in New Mexico whose Buddhist master provides direction and meaning to followers. Jake devotes his life to this community’s spiritual purpose and celibate lifestyle. He works without compensation, forms deep friendships while denying rumors of their leader’s abuses. After ten years, Jake returns to his family of origin without money or direction. While he finds validation in his humble community of origin, Jake initially struggles with identity and purpose, even landing a small stint in a mental hospital with a brief psychotic break before emerging to establish himself in mainstream society.

The characters of “Mushroom Satori” are both believable and likable, as are the vast majority of cult members. Jake’s spiritual Master combines an uplifting spiritual message with manipulative and ultimately abusive tactics. Jake’s intimate friendships, doubts, and desire for a meaningful life lead a reader from idealistic beginnings of cult seduction, through painful departure and eventual successful recovery and reintegration to society.

One friend of mine, also raised in the TM Movement, said of Szimhart’s book “ Very intense and gave me a great deal of insights into all the friends who lost it AFTER questioning or leaving the TM Movement or after doing drugs instead. WOW! It’s like a molotov cocktail to mix with other cults or drugs after cult involvement!” He continued “It’s amazingly dangerous, even after all I’ve read, I’m amazed that this part never fully hit me, that the dangerous part is the transition period OUT. Makes total sense since the mind’s ability to compartmentalize breaks down and you’re left with a reality that causes a mental system crash.”

The story entertains while educating. Szimhart’s compassion offers validation for former cult members, especially for those emerging from a group based upon Eastern philosophies. For family members of cult victims, Jake's personable character provides valuable insight into a cult member’s mindset.

Mushroom Satori is available in Paperback and e-book format through Aperture press here.

Or through amazon.com here.

For help with cult recovery or exit counseling a family member - Joseph Szimhart can be reached through his website here.

Video Interview with Steven Hassan

In the following short video, Steven Hassan, of FreedomOfMind.com interviewed Gina Catena about Transcendental Meditation during the  International Cultic Studies Association conference in Trieste, Italy on July 6, 2013. This interview was impromptu and unrehearsed.


Ex-Transcendental MeditationTM (TM) Gina Catena with Steve Hassan July 6th 2013 from Steven A Hassan on Vimeo.


Sadly, only a few hours after filming this interview, another young person who was raised with TM met a tragic death before a train, in the precise location where another suicide took place a few years before.

My (Gina's) postscript to the interview:  I don't think TM causes ALL the problems experienced by many devotees. However, TM often creates a smokescreen which masks underlying problems, thereby rendering the root problem untreatable. The smoke screen can become an expensive and dangerous distraction.

We at TMFree send sincere condolences to the recently deceased's family, and to others with losses related to cognitive dissonance and depression often experienced with cult mentality.

Concern for such losses keeps us "here."

"Maharishi Says...."

Spokespeople for TM organizations extoll Maharishi Mahesh Yogi as a great spiritual leader, scientist, humanitarian, world leader; as a man of nearly divine brilliance, wisdom, holiness, insight, vision, and so on.

So I thought it might be useful for TM-Free to compile a list of outrageous quotations from Mahesh, as a way of deflating the TMO's claims.

Also, maybe this list will be helpful for people who are working on their recovery from TM mind control.

Here's my favorite quote from Mahesh:

"Having achieved world peace, we are now on the way to creating Heaven on Earth...."  (From www.maharishi.org/adv_techniques/index.html.  This web page was last updated April 2007.)

Please contribute your most outrageous quote(s) in the "Comments" section.  List the source or context if you know it.  Paraphrases from memory are fine too; please note "from memory" and context if possible.

Recovering TM Cult Children --

Given that most posts here generate stimulating conversation about the TMO, Maharishi and cult (and recovery) dynamics, I couldn't help but note the lack of comments (both here and on TM-Free's FB page) to a recent insightful post Maharishi Mahesh Demeans Children. which quoted Helena Olson's "Maharishi at 433" about the guru's attitude toward children. This post was shared anonymously by one our readers who was raised in the TM Movement and included a number of revelatory remarks about adult TM-children's view of the Movement.

The lack of commentators' response to the words of a TM-kid who is finding their voice to publicly speak the unspeakable (criticism of the guru) reminds me when I was the only born-and-raised person in a cult recovery therapy group. Someone else in that group (a former cult member) looked at me askew and said, "That's really interesting. I never thought about the children in our cult."

I laughed and shook my head, "That's the point." I responded, "Children were left largely to their own devices. The leaders did not think about children.  Parents followed leaders' dictates, leadership bent upon narcissistic and financial goals. Cult members with follower-mentality lacked guidance on how to parent. There was some variation, and mostly a lot of neglect."

Sadly, little attention is placed, even in cult recovery, upon the larger issues of those born-and-raised in TM and other cults. The programming from birth can be hard to overcome. Some have lifelong effects that interfere with professional, social and family development. Into adulthood, many remain dependent primarily upon their cult-based childhood friendships because they are unable to create bonds with outsiders.

When leaving the group, "kids" lack any history of a non-cult life from which to navigate the outside world.

Just noticing... still little-to-no recognition for those whose parents and community had 'more-noble' priorities.

Fortunately, an informal network of TM-kids helps one another, in cities around the world. They (we) have our own stories. Most TM-kids share their stories quietly between trusted friends. They do not speak out publicly to avoid rejection from family and lifelong friends, many of whom remain in degrees of TM mentality.

For TM'ers who may respond saying "Maharishi said that your children are your program."
I guarantee that Maharishi NEVER said that. In 1979,  I was a 21 year old single mother, with a 2 year old child from a relationship that had begun as statutory rape when I was 15 years old.

My parents had left me at MIU Santa Barbara to attend the local high school, without a legal custodian when I was 15 years old. They thought it was a pure, safe environment (variation of a common experience for subsequent decades of TM kids). MIU Prep was a joke at that time - a babysitting service based around a few dirty donated fisher-price toys and volunteer babysitters (including me).

I told Bevan Morris, "Our children are our Program" at the first World Peace Assembly in Amherst Massachusetts, summer 1979.

Bevan Morris had called me to a private audience to threaten banning me if I didn't participate in full Program. He said I would be responsible for World War III and global economic collapse because I continued my self-modified version of Program to allow me to also care for my daughter.

In 1979-mid 1980s I then told other parents, as I had told Bevan, "Our children are our Program. Maharishi doesn't know about children because he doesn't have any." I also said the same when I taught childbirth and early parenting classes to TMers in Fairfield, Iowa through the mid 1980s. It seems that some community remembered the message, although attributing it to their guru.

The stance of Maharishi and his Movement (led primarily by single men) toward children and parenting was "Do your program to support spontaneous right action and glean the support of nature". Meanwhile parents were told to meditate for hours daily and donate ample $ums to Maharishi's vision.

MIU Prep and MSAE (Maharishi School of the Age of Enlightenment) were established by motivated parents, not because of Maharishi's interest in children. When TM leadership learned they could glean publicity through MSAE, there was a smidgen of interest to exploit enlightened children to attract followers. That's the same motivation behind David Lynch Foundation's efforts toward school children.

For the most part, TM children hindered the quest for enlightenment, to be seen and largely ignored. Other than teaching children to meditate and parrot the guru's teachings, the Movement did not support nurturing, protecting nor inspiring children's individuality. Fortunately, a few parents had strong parental / maternal instincts; those homes often became a haven for other kids.

Seems that's still the case. To the TM-kids out there - remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Boston-Area Cult Recovery Group Starts Jan. 26, 2013

I want to share with our readers this email that I recently received from the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA):

"ICSA will soon begin two-hour meetings in the Boston area.  The meetings will take place at MeadowHaven, a residential facility for former group members that is located about 25 miles south of Boston.  The meetings will be directed by MeadowHaven's founders, Robert Pardon and Judy Pardon.  The meetings will be educational yet supportive.  The plan is to explore a particular topic, e.g., resolving trauma, recovering from an aberrational Christian group, for 8 meetings, and then to explore another topic.  Former members of any high-control or cultic group are welcome.  Through these meetings, participants can acquire conceptual tools to help them understand troubling issues, get to know others wrestling with similar problems, improve communication skills, and facilitate healing.  An introductory meeting will take place at MeadowHaven on January 26, 2013 (Saturday) from 9:00 A.M. to 11:00 A.M.  (URL for directions:  http://www.meadowhaven.org/place.html).  At this meeting, participants can discuss possible topic areas that the first series of meetings can cover and decide on dates and times for subsequent meetings.

Although this first group is designed for former group members, ICSA also hopes to provide supportive groups for family members in the Boston area, if there is sufficient demand.  If you are interested in attending the former member group or in starting a family group, please e-mail ICSA at: mail@icsamail.com.

Please tell others who might be interested in these meetings, especially if you think they are not on our mailing list."

Psychotherapy with Former Cult Members

At the request of other TMFree moderators, this is a duplicate post from Gina's personal blog

Dr. Patrick O'Reilly provides an introductory Continuing Education essay for the psychology profession - linked with this respected online Continuing Education (CE) provider : Psychotherapy with Former Cult Members.

Former cult members are often ineffectively treated by well-intentioned therapists. Unless a therapist has specifically sought training for cult recovery, she or he may have minimal background about former cult members' myriad of concerns - such as shame, social isolation, social and professional handicaps, financial losses, separation from family, depression, vulnerability, self-distrust and possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, to name a few.

Further complicating therapy - many former cultists do not even realize they were in a cult. A therapist must identify if a client's self-described depression or vulnerabilities result from a cult history. After identifying cult history, the therapist can better help a client or refer to an appropriate specialist.

Please send Dr. O'Reilly's CE essay to therapists and psychologists. The concerns are more common than many realize. In-depth resources are available elsewhere, including some links in this blog's margin.

Psychotherapy with Former Cult Members by Patrick O'Reilly

Unhooking From Maharishi's Teachings: Laurie Interviews Sudarsha about the Puja (Ceremony)

I (Laurie) left TM 30 years ago, after 10 years in the TM movement, and I have been "deprogramming" myself ever since. I now believe that everything I was taught on the TM Teacher Training Course while I was "rounding" (meditating many times a day) bypassed my critical thinking, and went straight into my belief system. Therefore, even today I am still finding unexamined beliefs inside myself that hook me into Mahesh Prasad Varma's system. (According to Wikipedia, "Mahesh Prasad Varma" may be Maharishi's given name.)

One of those beliefs was that the puja had magical powers. Mr. Varma told us that the word "puja" translates as "traditional ceremony of gratitude," but most other translators say it means "worship". On my TM Teacher Training Course in La Antilla, Spain, in 1974, Mr. Varma taught us that the puja must be performed before the person is instructed in TM. Without it, he said, TM cannot be successfully learned or practiced. He gave quasi-scientific and quasi-mystical reasons why this was so; and I was left with fear and trembling for the sacred, God-given puja.

Therefore, it was helpful to my recovery to learn that after his disillusionment with Mr. Varma's movement, Sudarsha, (one of the co-editors of TM-Free), successfully instructed many people in TM without first chanting the puja. I thought it might be helpful to other readers recovery too, to read about this, so I decided to interview Sudarsha. Here goes:

Laurie: How did you first hear of TM?

Sudarsha: I remember it like it was yesterday! It was in May of 1968. I had just finished another miserable day teaching high school English, and I decided to go for a walk rather than immediately take the bus home. I wandered into a drugstore, and there on a book rack was this childishly cuddly guy draped in white on the cover of a book. For some reason, I was fascinated and I bought it.

That night, I started to read it. He had written, "To be is to live." Those words struck me like lightening. I sat up straight and confirmed to myself, "This is it! This is what I've been searching for!" Sadly, the book didn't actually teach me anything. It just theorized and theorized. The title? "The Science of Being and Art of Living" by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. I felt hooked. Now I believe that I was more hooked by to have that final secret of how to do it than anything else. I wanted to learn to do this. Cleverly, Mahesh could rope us in by coming so close to telling us the secret, but just stopping short.

A week or so later, I found and bought an LP (a vinyl record - remember those?) of Mahesh giving a talk. His voice sounded so captivating. There was an address and phone number on the record sleeve. I phoned and made an appointment to learn TM.

L: What results did you get from TM?

S: Same results as everyone else: in the beginning TM felt good. I felt a sense of relief. As I think back on it now, I realize that "relief" is quite different from the "pure consciousness" or "source of thought" that Mahesh was promising, but I mistook the relief for what he was promising. Ultimately, I think it all comes back to "me": my understanding, my misunderstanding, my expectations, my desires, my greeds. But being a schoolteacher was stressful, and I was stressed. TM was a contrast to that, so it felt good.

L: What made you decide to become an initiator?

S: TM was easy to do and it felt good. It was only many years later that I began to believe that it operated on the basis of contrast and little more. Back then, though, I thought that this was good, worthwhile, valuable, a lot more satisfying than what I was currently doing. And, into the bargain, a lot more valuable to others. So I went to Estes Park, Colorado, USA, in 1970 and took the TM Teacher Training Course.

L: What was your understanding at that time of the reason for doing the puja?

S: That's complicated. It was what we were supposed to do; it was what Mahesh taught us; it somehow empowered us to "give" the mantra - he said it allowed us to pick up the mantra at the finest level. It was special, maybe even sacred.

But when I was finally given that piece of paper with the mantras written on it, and saw that they were selected not by some deep psycho-spiritual-physiological reasoning, but just by age and gender - well! There was a conflict! Something wasn't making sense, and it was very difficult to think about that, when I really wanted to teach TM because I thought it was really a good thing.

L: From today's vantage point, what do you think the puja is really about, or what is its purpose?

S: The puja was a nice touch. I suppose it was Mahesh's way of trying to flaunt his so-called tremendous devotion to Guru Dev. We know from what Paul Mason has written on his website about Guru Dev that some pundit wrote the puja for Guru Dev, and Guru Dev didn't like it. He said to tie it to a stone and throw it into the Ganges. Which the pundit did. Mahesh said, and I don't remember where, that he dove in and rescued it.

Some of the earliest initiators to be trained in India by Mahesh learned an ending which Mahesh later changed, probably in the early 1960's. Also, when I learned the puja, in 1968, there were only three parts to it: the Sanskrit words, the English translation and the movements we made with our hands, etc.

L: By 1974, when I learned it on my TM Teacher Training Course, there was also a fourth part, called "puja feeling." Mr. Varma said all four parts were essential for the puja to "work." So this whole business of "the purity of the teaching" and "doing the puja to preserve the purity of the teaching" is suspect.

S: I think now that what the puja actually does is simply what all ceremonies do: it draws attention away from everything else. Look how the Roman Catholic Church used the Mass to manipulate people all through the Middle Ages. In teaching TM, the puja is very useful because it is so strange - at least to Westerners - at least it was strange when TM hit the West in the 1960's. People being instructed get completely disoriented. They can't figure out what is going on. This is useful, because when the teacher says a mantra and asks the person to start repeating it, the person does so in a completely non-judgmental state. I believe this is one of the reasons why the first TM experience is so spectacular. It's a real contrast to how you were feeling an hour ago when you were walking to the TM Center.

L: How many people did you initiate using the puja?

S: Something near 800.

L: What experience did those students have with TM?

S: They had the prescribed experience, much like my own initial experience: it felt good, they experienced deep rest. I wonder now if what they experienced wasn't deep rest, but a contrast from their normal way of feeling, which they mistook for "deep rest," because that's what the TM teachers told them they would experience.

L: What led you to consider teaching TM without the puja?

S: That's a really tough question, Laurie, because I don't really remember all the details. I do remember being dissatisfied with what Mahesh had done with TM: adding the Science of Creative Intelligence, Six-Month Courses, Age of Enlightenment techniques, sidhi nonsense. It was obvious to me that the steps of initiation were the only thing that was useful, to lead an individual into a very quiet state so that thinking the mantra would be easy.

After I quit teaching at the TM Center, some friends showed an interest in TM. So I said, "OK, let's just sit quietly and I'll teach you how to do it," and very off-handedly did the steps of initiation starting with the "open the eyes; close the eyes" business from the checking notes. The results were the same. People were happy with the results. Another one of Mahesh's dogmatic superstitions bit the dust.

L: How many people did you instruct without the puja?

S: Maybe 25 or 30. I don't really remember. Those were very traumatic days. I was feeling very sad that I had wasted three months learning to teach TM when anyone could learn how to teach it in a weekend. All the hubbub of rounding for three months had just been brainwashing - or whatever the correct word for that is these days.

L: Were you nervous or guilty or scared about teaching TM without the puja? I know I would have been.

S: No. I hadn't bought into the superstitions of Maheshism. If nothing else, those two years when I was on TM's international staff intimately working side by side with Mahesh demonstrated to me, beyond any doubt, that Mahesh was making it up as he went along. There was no evidence at all that he was any kind of superhuman. Granted, he was very intelligent and quick-witted, and had a remarkably retentive memory. But so do lots of "normal" human beings. What Mahesh had that other people didn't have was the aura of specialness. That is to say, our attribution of mystical specialness to him . He let us believe that he had all sorts of knowledge and "blessings" from Guru Dev. Mahesh was also extraordinarily clever, and used his cleverness to manipulate others. He had a very amoral approach to what he did: if it benefitted his agenda, it was OK.

So, since I came to the conclusion that Mahesh was very human indeed - from direct contact with him - no, I had no nervousness, guilt or fear at all about dropping the puja. And as it turned out, dropping the puja had no effect on the learning or the practice of TM.

L: How did you choose the mantra for the non-puja initiates?

S: Same as I was taught. For some reason, back then it never occurred to me to experiment with mantras. How curious, because Mahesh himself had said that "any word would do," but back then, I only knew the mantras he taught me at Estes Park. I was still unable to think outside the box in this regard.

L: What results did the non-puja students have?

S: Same as all the people I taught the "orthodox" way.

L: Did they keep up with meditating? Did you "check" their meditations?

S: They all got checked, non-puja students and puja students alike. Both groups had the same outcomes: some continued , some said they thought it was silly, some said they didn't have time, some said it quit working....

L: Did you tell them what the mantras really meant?

S: Back then I didn't know what they meant. I found that out later.

L: Thanks so much, Sudarsha, for letting me interview you.

S: It was my pleasure, sort of. This is stuff people have a right to know. Mahesh was using his cleverness, his powers of persuasion, his amoral manipulation of others, without regard to their safety, well-being, or any other aspect of their lives. He simply used people for his own ends, something which is never taught or done by legitimate teachers.

I wonder if my answers are typical. I would find it really interesting - perhaps we could do a survey - to see how many other initiators discovered that the whole puja thing was just part of the phobia-induction that Mahesh used to make our minds like his.

Getting Unstuck from TM: The Mystique of Maharishi's "Vibrations"

Several TM-Free Blog contributors and readers have noted that even after 10, 20 or 30 years out of TM, even after years of active recovery work, they continue to unearth areas where they are still "hooked" into the TM belief system.

Sometimes I too go into the mindset where I believe in and excuse the teachings of Mahesh Prasad Varma (the given name of "Maharishi Mahesh Yogi"), even though I know about his lies, double-crossings, opportunism, contradictions, deceptions, back-pedaling, deceit, two-facedness, and all the rest. I am very puzzled by my cognitive swings, and have tried to understand why I still get hooked. I hope my thoughts on this topic will be helpful for other people recovering from the world of Mr. Varma.

I've come to realize that one reason I get re-hooked is that deep inside I believe he is special. Maybe a saint. Maybe God Incarnate, like Jesus or Krishna. Or maybe God's prophet, like Moses or Mohammed. Maybe enlightened, like the Buddha.

If I believe that, then I believe he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth. And if he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth, then it is not my place to critique him, but to follow him. As we say in the West, "God works in mysterious ways," so no matter how obscene or absurd Mr. Varma's teachings seem to me, I still need to support them.

Why would I think that Mr. Varma has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth? Here are some of my reasons. Did you fall for any of these, or for others? What convinced you to follow Mr. Varma?

Well, I believed he was God's messenger partly because he was so wise, intelligent, quick-witted, well-rounded, self-assured, patient, loving, all-knowing, joyful, blissful. Because he spoke with such authority and confidence about spiritual things. Because he claimed lineage from Swami Brahmananda Saraswati. Because he claimed to be enlightened (or did he only imply it? Does anyone remember his comments on this?)

But most of all because of his amazing aura. Personally, I found his aura overwhelming. His skin was radiant, almost translucent, and it acted like a mirror. It seemed to reflect light. It was actually hard to look directly at him - looking at him was a little like staring into the sun. He virtually shimmered when you looked at him.

And his physical energy field! Oh my! When I was in his presence, I felt transported, high, entranced. Engaged. Intoxicated. I couldn't think straight when I was near him. "I" disappeared - my personal thoughts and personality disappeared, swallowed in the immensity of Love, Power and Energy. Being around him felt like being around an electric generator. It was virtually physical. Like a tidal wave, it would almost knock me over. (It did in fact physically knock over a friend of mine - she fell backwards and I had to catch her.)

Before he'd start a lecture, he'd look slowly around the room at his audience. As his gaze approached me, I felt like a laser beam was approaching. When he looked directly at me, I felt naked. I'd lose all power. I felt he could see right through me, to all my sins. A friend of mine once handed Mr. Varma a flower, and as my friend walked back to his seat, he radiated so much energy (that he had absorbed from his physical proximity to Mr. Varma?) that people in the audience swayed as he passed them. When I sat at Mr. Varma's feet as he begged us to become TM teachers, I could feel only bliss, joy, silence, power, magnetism.

I could go on with more memories - but I'll stop there.

Of all Mr. Varma's attributes, I think it was his amazing energy field more than anything else that swayed me to believe he had Ultimate Truth. So I think it's important for me to demystify his energy field if I'm going to unhook a little more from my belief in his teachings. And if you were influenced by his energy field, I hope this discussion will be helpful to you too.

So, to get a little objectivity and insight into Mr. Varma's powers, I'm going to run a little survey below, engage in some informal, non-scientific data-gathering. If you'd like, please share your stories, comments, answers, insights with us in the "comments" section.

Here is my survey:

(1) Were you ever in the presence of Mr. Varma?

(2) If so, did you experience anything like what I described? Or did you experience something different? Something positive? Something negative? Nothing at all? What did you experience? Do you have any particular memories you would like to share?

(3) Do you know of other people who experienced something similar to me? Or something different? (What?) Or nothing at all?

(4) Were his "vibrations" the same each time you were near him? Or did they change? Did they come and go? When? In what way?

(5) What did you make of his energy at the time?

Did you think it was proof that he was enlightened? Divine? A saint or prophet?

Or did you think he was evil, possessed, working with a dark power, etc?

Or that he simply had an impressive skill, but it didn't prove anything about his spiritual status?
Or did you think he was simply charismatic, a con artist, using hypnotism to produce these results?

Or that we were suggestible, responding to expectation, unconscious material, or peer pressure?

(6) How do you interpret today your past experience of Mr. Varma's vibration?

(7) What does various literature, (Hindu, yogic, religious, scientific, psychological or otherwise), say about this sort of vibration?

(8) Was Mr. Varma's energy "our little secret," our "elephant in the living room," in the TM movement? Did you have an impulse to not discuss it with other TMers or with outsiders? Did you not tell outsiders about his aura because it would sound too religious or brainwashed? Was his energy the thing that convinced you to follow him, but you lied to yourself or to outsiders about that, and said you followed TM due to its scientific research or results?

(9) Have you ever experienced a similar energy around anyone else; or do you know anyone who has? What do you - or they - make of it?

(10) What made you give your heart and/or mind to Mr. Varma?

Now it's your turn.

Transcendental Meditation's Testimonials

"I lost 150 pounds in 4 weeks!" (RESULTS NOT TYPICAL.)

When I look at pro-Transcendental Meditation websites, I often find testimonials of people pleased with the results of TM. Some of these testimonials are deeply moving, even heart-wrenching.

Scientists call testimonials "anecdotal evidence," and it is poor science. That's because while a testimony is suggestive of what may be worth studying, it is far from proof. Testimonials do not take into account that for every one person with a positive experience, there may be many with a neutral or even negative experience. They do not take into account the long-term effects of the product. They do not take into account the subjectivity of the testifier. (Note, for example, the paper about TM commonly called the "German Study," which observes that some TMers extolled the efficacy of TM while ignoring their increased anxiety and depression.) There are many reasons why anecdotal evidence is a poor scientific tool.

But for those of us who were deeply involved in the TM movement, positive opinions about TM may have been the only opinions we heard. After living on a TM course for 1.5 years and hearing only positive testimonials, I came to believe that everyone who learned TM had positive results. And for non-TMers who are looking for ways to improve their lives, these testimonials may seem quite convincing.

"I was always afraid. Now I am peaceful inside - and
I am getting A's." - Student

"For years I was tortured by my memories. Now I have a way out of the darkness." - Former soldier

"I am winning my battle with demons of drugs. Thank
you for this, David Lynch." - Homeless person

(from the davidlynchfoundation.org website.)

I am sorry for these people's suffering, and I am glad they found some relief through TM. But are these results universal? Are they typical? Are they even frequent? Can other modalities accomplish the same or better results more effectively or less expensively?

So to help recovering TMers who may have been mind-controlled into believing that TM is the answer for everybody, and to help non-TMers who are trying to decide if they want to learn TM, here is my own compilation of TM testimonials. And I didn't even solicit or pick over testimonies to find critical ones. They are just quotes or paraphrases from random acquaintances whom I have met over the years:

"When I learned TM, it didn't seem like anything special. There were other types of meditations I had learned that, from the first time I did them, I knew they were a practice I wanted to continue for a long time. I didn't feel that way about TM." - Social worker, 2008.

"When I first learned TM, I thought it was great and wanted to become a TM teacher. Except I felt the organization was too cult-like. Years later I learned to relax using biofeedback, and I couldn't believe the experience. I had never had such deep profound relaxation in my life." - Psychotherapist, 2010

"I was one of those people TM didn't work for." - Lawyer, 2008

"The first three days of TM was fabulous. It got me higher than the recreational drugs I used. But after a few days the high wore off, so I stopped meditating." - College student, 1972

"What results have I gotten from TM? Well, I used to take a nap when I got home from work every day. Now after work I do TM instead of taking a nap. No, no other benefits." - Elementary school teacher, 1974

"When I first started TM, I stopped taking drugs and drinking. But after a few years, I went back to the drugs and alcohol. Years later, I learned a different type of meditation. That got me off substances permanently. Also, TM left me feeling spacey, but the new meditation left me feeling grounded." - Retired secretary, 2008

"I started TM because I was a compulsive gambler and was desperate to stop. I saw the research charts on TMers stopping alcohol, drugs and cigarettes, so I thought maybe it could help me. Four months in, and I'm sorry to report it has done me no good." - Engineer, 1974

Now it's your turn. Would you like to share your TM results, or the results of people you know? Or your experiences with being mislead by TM publicity? Or anything else?

The Anti-Cult Cult

I recently returned from the annual conference of the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA).

At the annual ICSA International conference, cult studies experts come together to reveal common seduction, manipulation and recovery issues from many groups.
Their efforts provide tools for individuals, families, corporations, attorneys and governments to understand cult movements.

My children tease, saying I belong to the ACC or Anti-Cult Cult! When they see my computer screen lit by TMFree blog's green screen they say "Oh, Mom's busy with the TM's ACC." The difference between ICSA or other academic groups is that there is not a defining theology, lifestyle, charismatic unaccountable leadership, nor viewing of outsiders as somehow inferior or unenlightened.

The fascination of attending an ICSA workshop, for me, is to learn the common experiences among different-appearing groups.

Every human being is fallible, and thus every human group will be fallible. While ICSA is not perfect, there is benefit to uniting for common good, to expose manipulative tactics in religious, political, business and personal relationships.

By coming together for research, conversation and activism, we can provide tools for a larger audience, and also diminish our own isolation.

We, here at TMFree, reveal and discuss what we know of the underbelly of Transcendental Meditation Movement.
There are other such sites and communication venues which address the wrongs of a variety of individual cultic groups.

Cult is as cult does, regardless of the facade.

My personal greatest experience at this year's ICSA conference was a long conversation with a woman raised in polygamy. While our upbringings appear quite different, we discovered that we share identical life issues today, resulting from commonalities of our respective cult-family histories.

Other former TMers could find commonalities with former cultists from various groups. Looking at another's experience in a totalistic group can allow one to reflect back upon their TM experience.

With the release of Judith Borque's memoir as Maharishi's lover and Conny Larsson's soon-to-be-released-into-English memoir of his time with Maharishi and Sai Baba, the similarities between the TM experience and that of other cults becomes increasingly obvious.

Readers of TMFree could probably benefit from reading blogs and websites that address other cults' methods, and general cult recovery issues. While Maharishi's Transcendental Meditation has its own twist; we can all learn by exploring similarities of life issues with those from other groups. One can begin such explorations via links on the right column of this blog.

More Thoughts on Recovering from Transcendental Meditation

Here are a few questions that I thought were interesting to ponder. I have written my own answers below. I invite you to think about your own experiences, and if you'd like, to share your stories. Anonymous replies are fine!

1. Did you experience problems due to TM? If so, what were they?

After I left TM, I experienced extreme anxiety and depression. I also had "floating" episodes, where I reverted to believing the entire panoply of TM beliefs.

2. What helped you heal?

Learning about "mind control" and how it worked helped a lot. I did lots of reading. Discovering how easy it is to induce an altered state of reduced critical thinking in someone was pivotal.

Also, for many years I attended a monthly support group for former cult members. This was extremely helpful. Also, I attended a few cult recovery conferences.

Two linchpins that continued to keep my anxiety, depression and floating alive even after 20 years of working to recover from TM were (1) the belief that I was making a serious mistake by not doing TM, and (2) my belief that Maharishi was superhuman and therefore should be followed. When I discovered the internet, I read anti-TM websites. There I learned that researchers had lied about the benefits of TM, and that people who knew Maharishi on a personal level reported what a flawed human being he was. These two pieces of information broke the grip of belief. It was stuff I couldn't have learned no matter how much I read about mind control.

Also, for years I had been looking for other former TM teachers to compare notes with. Finding TM-Free Blog was a blessing for me. When I finally had other former TMers to share my stories with, I ceased obsessively carrying them around in my head, and my TM beliefs finally left.

Psychotherapy was extremely helpful in providing support and grounding and helping my general mood and life issues, but only somewhat helpful around the TM stuff.

3. What didn't help you heal?

I got voluntary exit counseling about 10 years after leaving TM, but it really didn't help much. Perhaps that was because I had already learned most of the stuff they were telling me, mostly about mind control, I think.

4.What well-meaning advice did people give you that did not help you heal?

At one of the cult-recovery conferences I attended, we had a panel of priests, ministers and rabbis who tried to answer our questions about spirituality. One of the panelists started waxing euphoric about how humans are by nature spiritual, and how God loves us. I shuffled restlessly and started dissociating as I was lectured at. Fortunately I wasn't the only one. One former cult member interrupted him and said, "This isn't helpful to us. We were spiritually fucked by these organizations. Some of us were physically fucked too. It is not helpful for us to have to sit through you lecturing us about this." She did go on to explain, (correctly I believe,) that after leaving a cult, a person is best off avoiding religion for a few years, until they are capable of not "floating," and ended by saying, "If there really is a God out there who is all-knowing and all-compassionate, then He knows what I've gone through, and He isn't going to be offended if I keep away from religion for as many years as it takes for me to heal."

Another well-meaning person, a minister-in-training whom I met at a Unitarian-Universalist retreat (i.e. she should have known better, in my opinion) listened to my agonized story of my flashbacks, anxiety, depression, confusion, etc. and wrote me a letter about the value of forgiveness and of letting go, and how "holding on" and not learning from one's mistakes keeps one from moving on. I think she was upset by my still being in so much pain after 9 years. I felt judged, criticized, and not understood. I wrote her back explaining that mind control is not a matter of "will" but a physical change in the brain, and that so long as I was still suffering emotionally, and could barely think straight due to brainwashing, it was physically impossible to "forgive" and "put it behind me."

5. Have you ever successfully helped someone heal from their experiences with TM (or from some other group?) What specifically did you do that helped them?

About 5 year after I left TM, I went to a restaurant for dinner with my sister's ex-boyfriend. She and he had been involved in TM together, and we met in order to discuss (i.e., criticize) TM. A woman at the next table came over and introduced herself as a Sidha, and said that she couldn't help overhearing our conversation. I panicked, expecting to be criticized and to start floating, but she soon made clear that she was very unhappy with TM, and was desperately seeking outside support, and a way to get out of TM. We invited her to sit and talk with us, and exchanged phone numbers, and she ended up attending the former cult member support group that I attended.

The former cult member support group had people who had left all sorts of cults, not just TM. One cult I learned about at the group was the Boston Church of Christ. (Not to be confused with the United Church of Christ or the Church of Christ, which are non-cult Protestant denominations.) Soon after, I attended a party, where I met someone who told me that he was starting to get involved with the Boston Church of Christ and "needed to make a soul-impacting decision very soon." It was an easy intervention for me, because he wasn't thoroughly "in"/brainwashed yet. I told him that I knew some people who had been in the BCC, and had left, and had come to realize that it was a destructive cult. I suggested that before he give his life to that church, that he have a chance to hear the other side of the story, and then he could make a more informed decision. He agreed, so I put him in touch with a few former BCC'ers. I am happy to say that after talking with them, he decided the BCC was a destructive organization, and didn't join.

6. Have you ever seriously tried and failed to get someone out of TM (or some other group)? What did you do? What happened? What advice would you give to someone in this position?

I've never had this experience. Lucky me.

7. Anything else you'd like to share from your experiences?

You are all brave and courageous and have all survived a lot! I tip my hat to you all! Please feel free share your thoughts and experiences below, if you'd like.