Transcendental Meditation: What got you in? And what got you out? Part 1

I've been thinking back over my long strange journey through TM. How did I get so deeply embroiled? How did I get out? Maybe you've been musing over your own life too, or that of those you love who are still embroiled in TM. Here's my chronology. I hope reading it will help some TM-Free readers sort out their own experience.

- I was looking for a better life.
- I read "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramahansa Yogananda. At the tender age of 16, I did not realize that autobiographies were not automatically truthful. The book excited me with the hope that Hinduism's yoga had something special to offer. I tried out Yogananda's teachings, but they did not satisfy me.
- I attended lectures of Swami Satchitananda, who fulfilled my expectations of what a yogi saint should be like. But I did not start his yoga because it seemed like a commitment to a lifestyle change and a difficult practice.
- I had friends who started TM and told me in awed tones what wonderful results it brought, and that it was very easy.
- I attended TM introductory lectures and was impressed by the scientific research, logic of the theory, and serenity of the initiators.
- I was impressed by my initiator's holy glow during the initiation ceremony. When I said my mantra, I felt it reverberate in my mouth and around the room in a mystical way. When I thought the mantra silently for the first time, I was transported to a magical place of inner peace and bliss. I felt euphoric, stoned, for the first three days that I did TM, and I noticed positive changes in myself in those first three days, too. All these things led me to believe that TM was a profound, life-changing spiritual technique.
- The initiators promised that by doing TM twice daily, the positive changes would continue to accumulate. Indeed, for the first few months that I did TM, I did notice small improvements in myself.
- I ran into some TMers who were gung-ho on TM as a method not only for self-improvement, but as the solution for all of life's problems. They encouraged me to attend a long TM course.
- I attended the course and rounded for one month. Maharishi was there in person and lectured several times a day. Also, a few prominent Western guest speakers - scientists, psychologists, astronauts, philosophers, educators, etc. - hailed the virtues of TM. Maharishi promised that TM would solve all problems of society. My brain was in a vulnerable, receptive state from all that sensory deprivation during rounding and from hearing only TM-positive opinions for one month. There was no questioning or challenging. As computer geeks say, "Garbage in, garbage out." It was so easy to be lulled into a dreamy, hopeful state of belief. I experienced Maharishi as giving off saintly emanations. He was charismatic, knowledgeable , charming, flattering, and convincing - and begged us to become TM initiators. It was so easy to fall, as the path of least resistance, into his belief system.
- I left the course a true believer, determined to become an initiator. It never occurred to me to research the opinions of TM skeptics.
- Originally, I believed what Maharishi taught because science and logic supported his system (or so I had been led to believe.) But gradually, unconsciously, I made the transition from "Maharishi says it because it's true" to "If Maharishi says it, then it's true." All my TM activities that followed hereafter just strengthened the belief system that I had now internalized. Residence courses, checker training, advanced lectures, TM teacher training, initiating, working at TM residential centers, learning the TM-Sidhi program, attending long rounding courses for world peace - no matter what Maharishi's latest invention or discovery or program was, Maharishi had to be right, and to question would be disloyal and foolishness.

How about you? Does any of this resonate for you? What got you in?

Coming next: Part 2: And what got you out?

Getting Unstuck from TM: The Mystique of Maharishi's "Vibrations"

Several TM-Free Blog contributors and readers have noted that even after 10, 20 or 30 years out of TM, even after years of active recovery work, they continue to unearth areas where they are still "hooked" into the TM belief system.

Sometimes I too go into the mindset where I believe in and excuse the teachings of Mahesh Prasad Varma (the given name of "Maharishi Mahesh Yogi"), even though I know about his lies, double-crossings, opportunism, contradictions, deceptions, back-pedaling, deceit, two-facedness, and all the rest. I am very puzzled by my cognitive swings, and have tried to understand why I still get hooked. I hope my thoughts on this topic will be helpful for other people recovering from the world of Mr. Varma.

I've come to realize that one reason I get re-hooked is that deep inside I believe he is special. Maybe a saint. Maybe God Incarnate, like Jesus or Krishna. Or maybe God's prophet, like Moses or Mohammed. Maybe enlightened, like the Buddha.

If I believe that, then I believe he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth. And if he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth, then it is not my place to critique him, but to follow him. As we say in the West, "God works in mysterious ways," so no matter how obscene or absurd Mr. Varma's teachings seem to me, I still need to support them.

Why would I think that Mr. Varma has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth? Here are some of my reasons. Did you fall for any of these, or for others? What convinced you to follow Mr. Varma?

Well, I believed he was God's messenger partly because he was so wise, intelligent, quick-witted, well-rounded, self-assured, patient, loving, all-knowing, joyful, blissful. Because he spoke with such authority and confidence about spiritual things. Because he claimed lineage from Swami Brahmananda Saraswati. Because he claimed to be enlightened (or did he only imply it? Does anyone remember his comments on this?)

But most of all because of his amazing aura. Personally, I found his aura overwhelming. His skin was radiant, almost translucent, and it acted like a mirror. It seemed to reflect light. It was actually hard to look directly at him - looking at him was a little like staring into the sun. He virtually shimmered when you looked at him.

And his physical energy field! Oh my! When I was in his presence, I felt transported, high, entranced. Engaged. Intoxicated. I couldn't think straight when I was near him. "I" disappeared - my personal thoughts and personality disappeared, swallowed in the immensity of Love, Power and Energy. Being around him felt like being around an electric generator. It was virtually physical. Like a tidal wave, it would almost knock me over. (It did in fact physically knock over a friend of mine - she fell backwards and I had to catch her.)

Before he'd start a lecture, he'd look slowly around the room at his audience. As his gaze approached me, I felt like a laser beam was approaching. When he looked directly at me, I felt naked. I'd lose all power. I felt he could see right through me, to all my sins. A friend of mine once handed Mr. Varma a flower, and as my friend walked back to his seat, he radiated so much energy (that he had absorbed from his physical proximity to Mr. Varma?) that people in the audience swayed as he passed them. When I sat at Mr. Varma's feet as he begged us to become TM teachers, I could feel only bliss, joy, silence, power, magnetism.

I could go on with more memories - but I'll stop there.

Of all Mr. Varma's attributes, I think it was his amazing energy field more than anything else that swayed me to believe he had Ultimate Truth. So I think it's important for me to demystify his energy field if I'm going to unhook a little more from my belief in his teachings. And if you were influenced by his energy field, I hope this discussion will be helpful to you too.

So, to get a little objectivity and insight into Mr. Varma's powers, I'm going to run a little survey below, engage in some informal, non-scientific data-gathering. If you'd like, please share your stories, comments, answers, insights with us in the "comments" section.

Here is my survey:

(1) Were you ever in the presence of Mr. Varma?

(2) If so, did you experience anything like what I described? Or did you experience something different? Something positive? Something negative? Nothing at all? What did you experience? Do you have any particular memories you would like to share?

(3) Do you know of other people who experienced something similar to me? Or something different? (What?) Or nothing at all?

(4) Were his "vibrations" the same each time you were near him? Or did they change? Did they come and go? When? In what way?

(5) What did you make of his energy at the time?

Did you think it was proof that he was enlightened? Divine? A saint or prophet?

Or did you think he was evil, possessed, working with a dark power, etc?

Or that he simply had an impressive skill, but it didn't prove anything about his spiritual status?
Or did you think he was simply charismatic, a con artist, using hypnotism to produce these results?

Or that we were suggestible, responding to expectation, unconscious material, or peer pressure?

(6) How do you interpret today your past experience of Mr. Varma's vibration?

(7) What does various literature, (Hindu, yogic, religious, scientific, psychological or otherwise), say about this sort of vibration?

(8) Was Mr. Varma's energy "our little secret," our "elephant in the living room," in the TM movement? Did you have an impulse to not discuss it with other TMers or with outsiders? Did you not tell outsiders about his aura because it would sound too religious or brainwashed? Was his energy the thing that convinced you to follow him, but you lied to yourself or to outsiders about that, and said you followed TM due to its scientific research or results?

(9) Have you ever experienced a similar energy around anyone else; or do you know anyone who has? What do you - or they - make of it?

(10) What made you give your heart and/or mind to Mr. Varma?

Now it's your turn.