Conference for Former Members of Groups

Announcement from the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA), a respected organization dealing with high-demand groups:


"ICSA will conduct a conference in Santa Fe, New Mexico November 6-8, 2015.  This conference will focus on the needs of former group members and families and will include a training track for mental health professionals.  Conference sessions will emphasize discussion so participants can address issues pertinent to their individual concerns.

The conference will take place at La Fonda on the Plaza, one of Santa Fe's finest hotels, located in the heart of the old city.

Santa Fe has been chosen in order to give ICSA's western supporters an opportunity to attend a conference closer to home.  It is also a lovely setting for those who come from other parts of the USA, Canada, and the world.

Speakers include some of the cultic studies field's most experienced mental health professionals, as well as former members and family members who will share their experiences.

Attend this conference if you are interested in how psychologically manipulative and demanding groups can hurt people and what can be done to help those who are harmed.  The agenda will address the needs of those seeking help and those who want to help others.  Among the topics to be explored are

·         What helps people leave cultic groups and relationships?
·         Dealing with cult-related trauma
·         Traumatizing narcissism and the psychology of cult leaders
·         Coping with triggers
·         Building relationships and communicating with the cult involved
·         After the cult: who am I
·         Support groups
·         Cults and the suppression of free speech
·         Exit counseling and conflict resolution
·         Spiritual issues in recovery
·         Cults and children
·         Case discussions for mental health professionals
·         Cultic dynamics in sex trafficking

Because Santa Fe is a “daytime” city, we have scheduled 2-hour lunch breaks so that attendees can enjoy walking around old Santa Fe, where there are numerous art galleries, museums, and quaint shops, as well as stunning Southwest architecture.  The hotel will permit the special conference rate 3 days pre- and postconference for those who wish to spend time touring Santa Fe and its environs.  Call La Fonda’s Reservations Department at 1-800-523-5002.

Please tell others about this conference.  We hope you join us!"

Online Information:  www.icsahome.com

April Workshop for People Raised in High-Demand Groups

 I just received an email from the International Cultic Studies Association.  They will be holding a workshop which TMFree readers may be interested in.  So here is the information:

"Surviving and Moving On After a High-Demand Group Experience: A Workshop for Second-Generation Former Members

When: Friday 4:00 pm April 4, 2014 to Sunday 2:00 pm April 6, 2014

Where: Guest House Retreat & Conference Center, 318 West Main Street, Chester, CT 06412.  Guest House is a delightful retreat and conference center in the scenic Connecticut River Valley. It offers spacious guest rooms with private bathrooms, superb cuisine, and amenities that range from a grand piano in the lobby to wireless Internet in every room. 

More Information:  http://www.icsahome.com/events/workshopsgas

As increasing numbers of people born or raised in cultic movements have reached adulthood, the International Cultic Studies Association has developed a program that addresses their special needs.

Second-Generation Adults (SGAs) do not have a “precult identity” to which they can return. Raised in fringe subcultures, they frequently have educational and other skill deficits that interfere with adjustment to mainstream culture. Having grown up in high-demand, high-control groups, SGAs struggle with issues of dependency, self-esteem, and social conflict. They often have to deal with the trauma of physical and/or sexual abuse. SGAs have difficulty getting help because they tend to lack finances and be wary of other people, including helpers. 

Meeting annually since 2006, this workshop addresses the needs of SGAs through presentations by specialists and former members, including discussions in which attendees may participate according to their comfort levels. Special attention is paid to the need of SGAs for privacy, reflection, and working at their own pace.

This workshop has been made possible by special donations and the willingness of facilitators to volunteer their time. Without the dedication of these people, registration fees would be much higher than they are. Donations cover a substantial portion of the total cost. 

We cannot accept onsite registrations, and we cannot guarantee acceptance of registrations received within 14 days of the workshop start date."

I hope this information is helpful to our readers.

Prison of Indoctrination - TMO

The author of this unsolicited contribution requests to remain publicly anonymous for now. 
This person was raised in the Transcendental Meditation Movement.

Being born into a TM Cult family has lasting impacts on relationships both physical and emotional, personal and working.

The broad strokes can be traced back to a few things, most noticeable in my eyes are: Jyotish, the blabberish of your entire life being predetermined and predictable, and the built in assumption that you must be with another cult member (read true believer), or convert the one you have into a true believer. 

This has had a devastating effect on my relationships with non-TM friends, with girl friends, and significant others. How? 

Growing up as a second generation TM kid, you were constantly told what a special gift to be born into a family of yogi's, truly amazing, and that you, and others born into TMO families would bring about heaven on earth. 

The constant reinforcement through TM schools engrained in the pschye that no happiness would be possible, and no-one would truly know you unless they also were helping "heaven on earth" eventuate by joining the TMO. This ingrained brainwashing led to the brink of sex addiction - seeking a connection, but never allowing any emotional openness because "it would never lead to anything, they aren't TMO". 

Looking back, the callous way this destroyed any playful emotional connections, and removed any possible seeds of a relationship with meaning to flourish is the saddest thing to me. A 3 year relationship finally ended on the back of mental turmoil - I couldn't see her embracing the TMO, and closed myself off, ending it suddenly and refusing any chance of reconciliation. This relationship lasted this long almost in spite of myself - I was experiencing significant dissonance and attempted to live a "normal life", not meditating, making friends not within the TMO, and making a go of it. 

In spite of all this, I was conflicted throughout, wrestling with truly giving in and having a relationship about us, and not her or my beliefs. I failed, it failed, and I reverted back to several years of emotionally restricted physical encounters, despairing of finding someone "on my level" and fully TMO. 

Regular lectures from my TMO invested father throughout this period on how important it was to have a wife of the same background and values (read TMO faithful) were endured during this time, including strong positive reinforcement when I ended the 3 year relationship, saying it was the right decision, and discouraging me from second-guessing myself. 

Jyotish was the counter-punch one-two blow that landed regularly in conduction with the conditioning. Being told throughout childhood and adulthood that my life would be hard, difficult, and unhappiness would reign if my main focus wasn't on the spiritual side of life (read TMO only, no other), due to my particular chart combination, built in another reason to shut down any connection that wasn't interested in TM.

It took a lot to break that, to the point that the delightful person I'm married to was pre-emptively dumped after a month of dating because I couldn't see her becoming part of the TMO. Thankfully she didn't take no for an answer and persevered with me, held on even through being coerced into learning TM (she felt nothing, had no positive effects, and it bored her), and almost pushed into becoming a teacher of ™. 

The dissonance I experienced between the conditioning of being born into the TM Cult and cold, hard, beautiful reality finally broke through the veil and started the exiting process that is filling me with more self awareness than any of Mahesh's sleepfest mumbles ever did. 

Review of "Mushroom Satori"

“Mushroom Satori, the cult diary” by Joseph Szimhart is a novel about a young man’s vulnerability, seduction and later retreat from a meditation cult community in the New Mexico desert. Szimhart based this novel upon decades of work exit counseling cult victims as they struggle with spirituality, purpose, and identity. 

Jake is a young man who lost his alcoholic Vietnam veteran father to a motor cycle accident. As Jake struggles to find meaning in an oft confusing world, he joins an emerging spiritual community in New Mexico whose Buddhist master provides direction and meaning to followers. Jake devotes his life to this community’s spiritual purpose and celibate lifestyle. He works without compensation, forms deep friendships while denying rumors of their leader’s abuses. After ten years, Jake returns to his family of origin without money or direction. While he finds validation in his humble community of origin, Jake initially struggles with identity and purpose, even landing a small stint in a mental hospital with a brief psychotic break before emerging to establish himself in mainstream society.

The characters of “Mushroom Satori” are both believable and likable, as are the vast majority of cult members. Jake’s spiritual Master combines an uplifting spiritual message with manipulative and ultimately abusive tactics. Jake’s intimate friendships, doubts, and desire for a meaningful life lead a reader from idealistic beginnings of cult seduction, through painful departure and eventual successful recovery and reintegration to society.

One friend of mine, also raised in the TM Movement, said of Szimhart’s book “ Very intense and gave me a great deal of insights into all the friends who lost it AFTER questioning or leaving the TM Movement or after doing drugs instead. WOW! It’s like a molotov cocktail to mix with other cults or drugs after cult involvement!” He continued “It’s amazingly dangerous, even after all I’ve read, I’m amazed that this part never fully hit me, that the dangerous part is the transition period OUT. Makes total sense since the mind’s ability to compartmentalize breaks down and you’re left with a reality that causes a mental system crash.”

The story entertains while educating. Szimhart’s compassion offers validation for former cult members, especially for those emerging from a group based upon Eastern philosophies. For family members of cult victims, Jake's personable character provides valuable insight into a cult member’s mindset.

Mushroom Satori is available in Paperback and e-book format through Aperture press here.

Or through amazon.com here.

For help with cult recovery or exit counseling a family member - Joseph Szimhart can be reached through his website here.

Boston-Area Cult Recovery Group Starts Jan. 26, 2013

I want to share with our readers this email that I recently received from the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA):

"ICSA will soon begin two-hour meetings in the Boston area.  The meetings will take place at MeadowHaven, a residential facility for former group members that is located about 25 miles south of Boston.  The meetings will be directed by MeadowHaven's founders, Robert Pardon and Judy Pardon.  The meetings will be educational yet supportive.  The plan is to explore a particular topic, e.g., resolving trauma, recovering from an aberrational Christian group, for 8 meetings, and then to explore another topic.  Former members of any high-control or cultic group are welcome.  Through these meetings, participants can acquire conceptual tools to help them understand troubling issues, get to know others wrestling with similar problems, improve communication skills, and facilitate healing.  An introductory meeting will take place at MeadowHaven on January 26, 2013 (Saturday) from 9:00 A.M. to 11:00 A.M.  (URL for directions:  http://www.meadowhaven.org/place.html).  At this meeting, participants can discuss possible topic areas that the first series of meetings can cover and decide on dates and times for subsequent meetings.

Although this first group is designed for former group members, ICSA also hopes to provide supportive groups for family members in the Boston area, if there is sufficient demand.  If you are interested in attending the former member group or in starting a family group, please e-mail ICSA at: mail@icsamail.com.

Please tell others who might be interested in these meetings, especially if you think they are not on our mailing list."

Recovering from Transcendental Meditation, part 2012

For many, recovering from TM takes a lifetime.  So if you're still recovering after many decades, don't lose hope, and don't berate yourself.  It's normal.

I hope that some day there will be better techniques available to help people recover more quickly.  Right now, the best advice is to learn about mind control.  Other things that help are:  conversations with other former members, physical exercise, practicing real-life skills that you lost (or never learned if you were raised in a cult), psychotherapy, residential recovery centers, continued reading about destructive cults.  One exit counsellor suggested writing down every single thing you remember from your time in the destructive cult.

Gina (a co-contributor to this blog - see panel on the right) published a post on this blog, ("Psychotherapy with Former Cult Members" posted September 2, 2011;  http://tmfree.blogspot.com/2011/09/psychotherapy-with-former-cult-members.html), in which she informed the readers of a new Continuing Education Units course for psychotherapists.  I was moved to send the following e-mail to the teacher of this course, as follows:

From:  Laurie ------    

Date:  June 14, 2012 

To:  Patrick O'Reilly  

Subject:  Recovery for former destructive cult members

Dear Dr. O'Reilly:  

I am a friend of Gina Catena's, and like her, I am in recovery from the Transcendental Meditation (TM) organization. 

She showed me your excellent internet article on how therapists can help former cult members by encouraging them to learn about mind control.  I am grateful that you are putting the information about mind control and post-cult syndrome (which can masquerade as other mental health conditions) out there, and are offering a CEU course.

Since the psychological community is still at the beginning stages of learning how to help former destructive cult members, and since you are a leader in educating therapists on how to help cult victims, I hope it will be helpful for you if I share three additional steps that I had to go through in order to help me recover from my cult.

1.  I needed to learn information about my particular group - the specific lies that my particular group taught which kept me a believer.  Even though I already understood mind control, I still was a believer because of the 600 research studies I had been taught about, which proported to prove how marvelous TM was for every aspect of every person's life.  I had to read anti-TM websites to discover that TM experiments were usually biasedly designed and/or biasedly conducted in order to produce only positive results.  Also, I learned that some research had shown that TM sometimes produces unimpressive or harmful results, but that the TM organization had kept that information from us.

2.  I needed to talk to other former TMers who had been at my level of involvement in TM.  Even though I had spent over 20 years telling my TM experiences to sympathetic friends, therapists, and former TMers who had been at lower levels of TM involvement than I, TM memories continued to flood my mind.  However, when I finally found peers, and told them my memories, the memories finally stopped.  

3.  I have been in psychotherapy for many years.  By working on family-of-origin issues, TM has less and less hold over me.  

If these additional steps were necessary for me, then I assume there must be others out there who also need more than just education about mind control in order to recover from their destructive cult.

I hope this information is helpful to you.  Please feel free to contact me if I can be of assistance to you.

Please keep up the good work!  Thank you for what you are doing! 

Sincerely,

Laurie --------" 

I have been out of TM for 31 years, and I am still recovering.  As Sudarsha, a co-moderator for this site, has said, "You have to claw yourself out of the TM mindset, ('Maheshism') inch by inch."  For instance, it was only last month that I realized that part of the reason I eat a lot of nuts on my morning cereal is because Mahesh said that nuts were very good for you.

A problem I still have 31 years after leaving TM is my difficulty in learning new skills from books.  Before I got into TM, I had taught myself guitar, typing, shorthand and crocheting from books. But since leaving TM, I find it excruciatingly hard to learn new things from books, , like how to use a  computer or follow a recipe.  I think this is because when I try to learn something new, it activates the feelings I had when I was learning to "fly:"  "If you're don't 'fly' twice a day, you're wasting your life."

What stratagems have been helpful in your recovery from TM-brain?  In what areas are you still recovering?

Book Review. "Cartwheels in a Sari: A Memoir of Growing Up Cult" by Jayanti Tamm (2009).

Several exit counselors have explained to me that it can aid a person in recovery from a destructive cult to learn about a different cult. That's because it's hard to judge one's own experience objectively, but when one sees manipulation and inconsistencies in another group, it's easier to make the leap to understanding better one's own former group.

Therefore I thought it might be useful to some readers if I reviewed the book "Cartwheels in a Sari." This is the true story of growing up in the Sri Chinmoy movement. The author has a straightforward style. She doesn't beat the reader over the head with Chinmoy's reprehensible behavior. Instead, she tells the story through the innocent, non-critical eyes of the child she was - and damns Chinmoy in the telling.

Jayanti Tamm was born into Chinmoy's group. As a child, she naturally believed everything she was told about about "Guru": that he was godlike, that he gave everything to his devotees; and that in return they should totally believe, be totally devoted, and be totally obedient.

An early memory of Tamm's: the devotees are sitting on the ground before "Guru," who is sitting on an awning-covered platform. All are prepared for a long meditation session. Then, far off, lightning flashes and thunder roars. "Guru" announces that he will perform a special meditation to stop the rain. He closes his eyes, and sure enough, the rain holds off for 10 minutes. Jayanti is thrilled. Her guru can even control the weather! But then the rain starts. "Guru" then reveals that some disciples had doubted his ability, therefore he held off the rain only for a limited time! Now he would teach them a "true lesson." And so the devotees sat contritely in the mud and rain for hours, meditating.

Cult recovery scholars call this technique "mystical manipulation," that is, making an everyday event seem miraculous, and ascribing it to the cult. In TM, an example of mystical manipulation was Maharishi Mahesh Yogi's contention that when a TMer experienced involuntary jerking movements, stress was being released and the TMer was purifying his/her nervous system. Another was ascribing improvements in the stock market to people "flying" together. Another was, during the construction of the Fairfield domes, we were told that the winter weather miraculously turned warm on the days we had to pour cement. Actually, the crew supervisors listened for the weather reports, and when the weather was warm, then they poured. Can you think of other examples?

Like the founder of TM, Sri Chinmoy (born "Chinmoy Kumar Ghose," 1931-2007) bent the truth for the sake of publicity. For instance, Chinmoy instructed several of his devotees to seek employment at the United Nations. Once hired (in clerical positions), they started a lunchtime social club, and invited "Guru" to speak. Chinmoy's goal was realized: his publicity could now state that he was a speaker at the U.N.

Similar TM organization technique: give honorary Maharishi University Ph.D.s to supporters of TM, and then have these "doctors" extol TM. Can you think of other examples?

Getting Unstuck from TM: The Mystique of Maharishi's "Vibrations"

Several TM-Free Blog contributors and readers have noted that even after 10, 20 or 30 years out of TM, even after years of active recovery work, they continue to unearth areas where they are still "hooked" into the TM belief system.

Sometimes I too go into the mindset where I believe in and excuse the teachings of Mahesh Prasad Varma (the given name of "Maharishi Mahesh Yogi"), even though I know about his lies, double-crossings, opportunism, contradictions, deceptions, back-pedaling, deceit, two-facedness, and all the rest. I am very puzzled by my cognitive swings, and have tried to understand why I still get hooked. I hope my thoughts on this topic will be helpful for other people recovering from the world of Mr. Varma.

I've come to realize that one reason I get re-hooked is that deep inside I believe he is special. Maybe a saint. Maybe God Incarnate, like Jesus or Krishna. Or maybe God's prophet, like Moses or Mohammed. Maybe enlightened, like the Buddha.

If I believe that, then I believe he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth. And if he has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth, then it is not my place to critique him, but to follow him. As we say in the West, "God works in mysterious ways," so no matter how obscene or absurd Mr. Varma's teachings seem to me, I still need to support them.

Why would I think that Mr. Varma has a direct pipeline to Ultimate Truth? Here are some of my reasons. Did you fall for any of these, or for others? What convinced you to follow Mr. Varma?

Well, I believed he was God's messenger partly because he was so wise, intelligent, quick-witted, well-rounded, self-assured, patient, loving, all-knowing, joyful, blissful. Because he spoke with such authority and confidence about spiritual things. Because he claimed lineage from Swami Brahmananda Saraswati. Because he claimed to be enlightened (or did he only imply it? Does anyone remember his comments on this?)

But most of all because of his amazing aura. Personally, I found his aura overwhelming. His skin was radiant, almost translucent, and it acted like a mirror. It seemed to reflect light. It was actually hard to look directly at him - looking at him was a little like staring into the sun. He virtually shimmered when you looked at him.

And his physical energy field! Oh my! When I was in his presence, I felt transported, high, entranced. Engaged. Intoxicated. I couldn't think straight when I was near him. "I" disappeared - my personal thoughts and personality disappeared, swallowed in the immensity of Love, Power and Energy. Being around him felt like being around an electric generator. It was virtually physical. Like a tidal wave, it would almost knock me over. (It did in fact physically knock over a friend of mine - she fell backwards and I had to catch her.)

Before he'd start a lecture, he'd look slowly around the room at his audience. As his gaze approached me, I felt like a laser beam was approaching. When he looked directly at me, I felt naked. I'd lose all power. I felt he could see right through me, to all my sins. A friend of mine once handed Mr. Varma a flower, and as my friend walked back to his seat, he radiated so much energy (that he had absorbed from his physical proximity to Mr. Varma?) that people in the audience swayed as he passed them. When I sat at Mr. Varma's feet as he begged us to become TM teachers, I could feel only bliss, joy, silence, power, magnetism.

I could go on with more memories - but I'll stop there.

Of all Mr. Varma's attributes, I think it was his amazing energy field more than anything else that swayed me to believe he had Ultimate Truth. So I think it's important for me to demystify his energy field if I'm going to unhook a little more from my belief in his teachings. And if you were influenced by his energy field, I hope this discussion will be helpful to you too.

So, to get a little objectivity and insight into Mr. Varma's powers, I'm going to run a little survey below, engage in some informal, non-scientific data-gathering. If you'd like, please share your stories, comments, answers, insights with us in the "comments" section.

Here is my survey:

(1) Were you ever in the presence of Mr. Varma?

(2) If so, did you experience anything like what I described? Or did you experience something different? Something positive? Something negative? Nothing at all? What did you experience? Do you have any particular memories you would like to share?

(3) Do you know of other people who experienced something similar to me? Or something different? (What?) Or nothing at all?

(4) Were his "vibrations" the same each time you were near him? Or did they change? Did they come and go? When? In what way?

(5) What did you make of his energy at the time?

Did you think it was proof that he was enlightened? Divine? A saint or prophet?

Or did you think he was evil, possessed, working with a dark power, etc?

Or that he simply had an impressive skill, but it didn't prove anything about his spiritual status?
Or did you think he was simply charismatic, a con artist, using hypnotism to produce these results?

Or that we were suggestible, responding to expectation, unconscious material, or peer pressure?

(6) How do you interpret today your past experience of Mr. Varma's vibration?

(7) What does various literature, (Hindu, yogic, religious, scientific, psychological or otherwise), say about this sort of vibration?

(8) Was Mr. Varma's energy "our little secret," our "elephant in the living room," in the TM movement? Did you have an impulse to not discuss it with other TMers or with outsiders? Did you not tell outsiders about his aura because it would sound too religious or brainwashed? Was his energy the thing that convinced you to follow him, but you lied to yourself or to outsiders about that, and said you followed TM due to its scientific research or results?

(9) Have you ever experienced a similar energy around anyone else; or do you know anyone who has? What do you - or they - make of it?

(10) What made you give your heart and/or mind to Mr. Varma?

Now it's your turn.

3 Lists that curb "Paralyzing Perfectionism" from Transcendental Meditation

It may take a few weeks. But it WILL be perfect!

Godfather—film director Francis Ford Coppola and Apple CEO Steve Jobs are said to be "perfectionists." That means they fret every detail until they see precisely what they want before releasing a final product.

High standards may lead to long-lasting achievement. AND they can lead to anxiety so great we can't get projects done.

Or even start them.

It seems a fair number of spiritual-abuse veterans experience Paralyzing Perfectionism. Perfectionism so severe it cripples their life emotionally, in relationships, or career-wise. Sometimes we really up the ante by calling ourselves "procrastinators." Just to make sure we feel so bad we can't get out of bed.

"Lazy" people may not like work or care enough to do it. Paralyzed perfectionists care too much. Anything less than the "best" or "perfect" result just isn't bearable.

Our motto may as well be: If you can't be the best at something, just don't do it. 

I always had high standards before getting involved with Transcendental Meditation in my late teens. They led to high grades and ambitions. For the first few years of my TM career, those high standards led me into higher levels of the Org. I threw all my energies into advancing enlightenment and world peace. Secure in the "knowledge" I was achieving the most for myself and the world. And I was doing the right thing.

But in my later TM daze and especially after leaving the Movement, I found it gradually harder to finish projects. There were always tweaks that needed doing. And one more. And then one more.... Which led to slipped deadlines. And eventually to deadstops.

I'll write more about Paralyzing Perfectionism soon. But I suspect readers here are no strangers to the phenomenon. So I'd like to offer an easy trick that curbed these tendencies. And let me get on with my life.

I keep three lists with me always: Things To Do Now, Things To Do Later, and Things That Can Wait 'Til Next Lifetime.

Now means everything I have to attend to that day. Later means anything to do from tomorrow through my Bucket List things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

Now I have articles to write, errands to run, a support group to facilitate, and a new Now list to create for tomorrow. Later I have more articles to write, counseling clients to see, projects to plan. Next Lifetime? Wow. The longest list of all.

An example. I've always struggled with my weight—in fact, a hundred pounds would look better anywhere than on my body.

I know contemporary society judges fatness harshly. I know it holds me back in the world. I know it's bad for my health. I know it causes my family worry. But I have a lot I want to accomplish before my final curtain call.

Losing weight? Just not a high priority. Given my limited time, energy, health, and resources. Maybe next time....

Naturally, I require a tad more organization than that. (David Allen's Getting Things Done is my system.) But these three lists are necessary prerequisites before I can even begin to prioritize.

And I find them extremely freeing. Rather than frittering away limited time and attention span—as well as making Distraction and Confusion my new threesome—I always know what I need to focus on. More often than not, I do it.

There are so many things in my Next Lifetime list: playing piano, studying obscure physics, achieving financial comfort, projecting to the Astral Plane, trekking to Easter Island.

Oh, yeah. And attaining Enlightenment? That might as well be a thousand lifetimes down the pike!

If I have time to sneak in a few of my Next Lifetime goals this time around, hey, so much the better. But I ain't gonna sweat it.

Try this simple exercise.

1. Set aside an hour with no distractions—soon.
2. Whip out a sheet of paper and an erasable writing implement.
3. Start sorting everything you want to achieve into these three lists.
4. Optional: Enter them into a computer file where you can rearrange them to your heart's content.

I suspect many of you will find your anxiety level drop as you see a growing list of accomplishments day by day.

Just don't let this list project become so elaborate, so perfect, and so tedious that it keeps you from getting your true priorities done!

J.

Crossposted on TM-Free Blog and Facebook.

Gina creates her own blog "Coming To Life"

Hi Gang,

Many of TMFree readers follow John Knapp or Mike Doughney on their various websites and blogs.
Just letting you know that I've begun a personal blog, in addition to TMFree activism.
Posts may be erratic, depending upon time conflicts. I'm planning on at least one post weekly, hopefully more.
Please accept an open invitation to explore another site sometimes related to TMFree Blog conversation.

Coming To Life will be a story telling compliment to TMFree Blog.

"Stories for all who've lost their rose colored glasses, been ground to ashes, and arose stronger, with clearer vision to stand in their personal truth. As an inspirational woman once taught me, "to stand in the ambiguity." This blog will include stories related to an upbringing and family life with cult dynamic of the Transcendental Meditation Movement, birth stories loosely based upon my career as a Nurse-Midwife, along with others' stories of renewal and birth. Characters will be composite mosaics. Any similarity to actual products, or persons either living or dead, is purely coincidental, unless specifically stated otherwise. Any coincidental likeness and or words are not real."

Happy Spring! The season of rebirth!

When did you first realize that the Transcendental Meditation organization and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi were fraudulent?

Two of our readers have recently written in the "Comments" section of TMFree Blog that they are interested in the above question, and also in these related questions:

Was it a gradual realisation or a specific event? After this, how much longer did you remain in the TMO and/or how much longer did you carry on with TM techniques?

So I thought I'd write up their questions as a separate post. Would anyone like to share their experiences?

By the way, this topic was covered in an old post, about one-and-a-half years ago. But I can't remember which one....! I hope interested readers can find it through our "Blog Archives Labels" section on the home page of TMFree, on the far right column, near the bottom.

By the way, if you have an idea for a post, just let us know in the "comments" section, and we will do our best to post it.

Open Thread

As requested... comment away...

More Thoughts on Recovering from Transcendental Meditation

Here are a few questions that I thought were interesting to ponder. I have written my own answers below. I invite you to think about your own experiences, and if you'd like, to share your stories. Anonymous replies are fine!

1. Did you experience problems due to TM? If so, what were they?

After I left TM, I experienced extreme anxiety and depression. I also had "floating" episodes, where I reverted to believing the entire panoply of TM beliefs.

2. What helped you heal?

Learning about "mind control" and how it worked helped a lot. I did lots of reading. Discovering how easy it is to induce an altered state of reduced critical thinking in someone was pivotal.

Also, for many years I attended a monthly support group for former cult members. This was extremely helpful. Also, I attended a few cult recovery conferences.

Two linchpins that continued to keep my anxiety, depression and floating alive even after 20 years of working to recover from TM were (1) the belief that I was making a serious mistake by not doing TM, and (2) my belief that Maharishi was superhuman and therefore should be followed. When I discovered the internet, I read anti-TM websites. There I learned that researchers had lied about the benefits of TM, and that people who knew Maharishi on a personal level reported what a flawed human being he was. These two pieces of information broke the grip of belief. It was stuff I couldn't have learned no matter how much I read about mind control.

Also, for years I had been looking for other former TM teachers to compare notes with. Finding TM-Free Blog was a blessing for me. When I finally had other former TMers to share my stories with, I ceased obsessively carrying them around in my head, and my TM beliefs finally left.

Psychotherapy was extremely helpful in providing support and grounding and helping my general mood and life issues, but only somewhat helpful around the TM stuff.

3. What didn't help you heal?

I got voluntary exit counseling about 10 years after leaving TM, but it really didn't help much. Perhaps that was because I had already learned most of the stuff they were telling me, mostly about mind control, I think.

4.What well-meaning advice did people give you that did not help you heal?

At one of the cult-recovery conferences I attended, we had a panel of priests, ministers and rabbis who tried to answer our questions about spirituality. One of the panelists started waxing euphoric about how humans are by nature spiritual, and how God loves us. I shuffled restlessly and started dissociating as I was lectured at. Fortunately I wasn't the only one. One former cult member interrupted him and said, "This isn't helpful to us. We were spiritually fucked by these organizations. Some of us were physically fucked too. It is not helpful for us to have to sit through you lecturing us about this." She did go on to explain, (correctly I believe,) that after leaving a cult, a person is best off avoiding religion for a few years, until they are capable of not "floating," and ended by saying, "If there really is a God out there who is all-knowing and all-compassionate, then He knows what I've gone through, and He isn't going to be offended if I keep away from religion for as many years as it takes for me to heal."

Another well-meaning person, a minister-in-training whom I met at a Unitarian-Universalist retreat (i.e. she should have known better, in my opinion) listened to my agonized story of my flashbacks, anxiety, depression, confusion, etc. and wrote me a letter about the value of forgiveness and of letting go, and how "holding on" and not learning from one's mistakes keeps one from moving on. I think she was upset by my still being in so much pain after 9 years. I felt judged, criticized, and not understood. I wrote her back explaining that mind control is not a matter of "will" but a physical change in the brain, and that so long as I was still suffering emotionally, and could barely think straight due to brainwashing, it was physically impossible to "forgive" and "put it behind me."

5. Have you ever successfully helped someone heal from their experiences with TM (or from some other group?) What specifically did you do that helped them?

About 5 year after I left TM, I went to a restaurant for dinner with my sister's ex-boyfriend. She and he had been involved in TM together, and we met in order to discuss (i.e., criticize) TM. A woman at the next table came over and introduced herself as a Sidha, and said that she couldn't help overhearing our conversation. I panicked, expecting to be criticized and to start floating, but she soon made clear that she was very unhappy with TM, and was desperately seeking outside support, and a way to get out of TM. We invited her to sit and talk with us, and exchanged phone numbers, and she ended up attending the former cult member support group that I attended.

The former cult member support group had people who had left all sorts of cults, not just TM. One cult I learned about at the group was the Boston Church of Christ. (Not to be confused with the United Church of Christ or the Church of Christ, which are non-cult Protestant denominations.) Soon after, I attended a party, where I met someone who told me that he was starting to get involved with the Boston Church of Christ and "needed to make a soul-impacting decision very soon." It was an easy intervention for me, because he wasn't thoroughly "in"/brainwashed yet. I told him that I knew some people who had been in the BCC, and had left, and had come to realize that it was a destructive cult. I suggested that before he give his life to that church, that he have a chance to hear the other side of the story, and then he could make a more informed decision. He agreed, so I put him in touch with a few former BCC'ers. I am happy to say that after talking with them, he decided the BCC was a destructive organization, and didn't join.

6. Have you ever seriously tried and failed to get someone out of TM (or some other group)? What did you do? What happened? What advice would you give to someone in this position?

I've never had this experience. Lucky me.

7. Anything else you'd like to share from your experiences?

You are all brave and courageous and have all survived a lot! I tip my hat to you all! Please feel free share your thoughts and experiences below, if you'd like.

ICSA Orlando Workshop for People Born or Raised in Cultic Groups - REGISTER NOW. PLEASE TELL OTHERS.

I wish that a workshop, such as posted below, existed twenty some years ago when I left the TMO. Learning outside life on my own took quite a while, with many mistakes. Please pass this information to others raised in cults. TMFree does not maintain an official relationship with the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA). We offer this information as a service for our readers. Complete workshop information can be found at the links in this post. Gina personally knows the professionals running this workshop. They are professional, kind, knowledgeable and supportive. Working with them, and meeting others also raised in cult-type groups, can be of great help to those trying to make life on their own after leaving their family/cult.

*************

International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA)
Surviving and Moving On After a High Demand Group Experience
A Workshop for Second-Generation Former Members

Friday 3:00 p.m. April 17, 2009 to Sunday 2:00 p.m. April 19, 2009

Canterbury Retreat and Conference Center, 1601 Alafaya Trail, Oviedo, FL 32765 (407-365-5571)

Online Information and Registration: Copy and paste the following URL into your browser:

http://icsahome.com/infoserv_conferences/Workshops/2009_SGA_FL.asp

The International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) has run workshops for former members of high-demand, "cultic" groups for many years. In recent years increasing numbers of people born or raised in such groups (i.e., "second generation adults" - SGAs) have attended these workshops. These ex-members have special needs, which can be most effectively addressed through a workshop that focuses on them. SGAs do not have a "pre-cult identity" to which they can return. SGAs raised in fringe subcultures have to learn the implicit rules and expectations of mainstream culture. SGAs frequently have educational and other skill deficits that interfere with adjustment to mainstream culture. Having grown up in high-control groups that are often based on irrational belief systems, SGAs tend to struggle with issues of dependency, self-esteem, and social conflict. Because many SGAs were physically or sexually abused, they often have to deal with anger, resentment, and other emotions related to trauma. SGAs have difficulty getting help because they tend to lack finances and be wary of other people, including helpers.

This workshop will address the needs of SGAs through a series of brief didactic presentations (supplemented by written handouts) followed by discussions, to which attendees may contribute according to their comfort levels. Specifically, the workshop will address:

* critical thinking
* socialization, culture shock, and acculturation
* psychological development, child abuse and neglect, parenting styles, boundaries, and trust
* long-term psychological, educational, and emotional effects of growing up in a culture of abuse and neglect
* relationships with families and others

This workshop has been made possible by special donations and the willingness of facilitators to volunteer large amounts of their time. Without the dedication of these people, registration fees would be much higher than what is listed below. The donations cover a substantial portion of the total cost. Therefore, the fees listed below reflect a significant discount. Because many SGAs struggle economically, additional financial assistance is available for those in need. If you would like to apply for financial assistance, please contact ICSA.

Two Online Recovery Support Groups in January

I will hold two new online recovery support groups starting in January: one for adult converts to toxic groups, abusive churches, and cults, as well as one for people born or raised in such groups.

As regular readers here know, I have specific experience with the TM Org and people recovering from it. I was a member of Transcedental Meditation for 23 years and have worked with well over a thousand former TM members. I also founded trancenet.net and was a founder of TM-Free Blog.

Groups are limited to 8 members each. You can find more information on the adult group here and on the born-or-raised group at here. For more details, questions, or to reserve space, contact me directly at jmknapp53@gmail.com.

John M. Knapp, LMSW
KnappFamilyCounseling.com

"Larry King Live!" July 31st interviews Juliana Buhring of 'Children of God'/ 'The Family'

Keep your eyes peeled for "Larry King Live" on July 31st! (I hope Larry King doesn't change the program's date)

Juliana is young, beautiful, intelligent and a dynamic speaker! This interview undoubtedly will be wrenching and enlightening for American viewers!

Her memoir with her sisters "Not Without My Sister" was a 2007 & 2008 bestseller in UK and Australia; their publisher, Harper Collins, did not promote the book well in the USA.

Juliana and her siblings were raised around the world in the cult 'Children of God'/'The Family', the ultimate Bible-based free love group, which included ample 'sharing love' with everyone including children, i.e. pedophilia as religious practice.

The 'Children of God' organization now officially denies these teachings. Their leadership remains in hiding.

Juliana unrelentingly publicizes damage wrought to children raised within destructive groups, and works to create international codes for child protection, including removal of statutes of limitations which protect perpetrators.

Juliana is driven by concern for her younger siblings still within the group, and for others who live with crippling psychosis or who've needlessly died.

You won't want to miss this one!

Juliana's engaging, heartfelt stories, matter of fact humor, and poise are a testament to the resiliency of the human spirit.

Did TM Abuse Me? Some Symptoms

Last week, I wrote about strengths recovering cult members demonstrate.

Here I list challenges former cult members may face. (Most leave without serious problems.)

"Symptom" lists can be powerful things.

This list may be your first hint you suffered cult-related trauma. But it also delivers the news you are not alone. And you can do something about it.

You may feel relief reading this list. It may validate your experiences and feelings that mainstream culture dismisses, denies, or judges. These "symptoms," which some feel shame about, are normal for people leaving cults.

You may recognize some symptoms. But you may not attribute them to cult trauma. You may believe "something's wrong" with you. That you are the only one who suffers this way.

One woman I talked with reported experiencing twitching and involuntary movements a few months after starting TM. Her doctors treated her for epilepsy. I told her many TMers suffered this way. Although she had heard such stories, she never applied them to herself.

We learned in Transcendental Meditation that the techniques and the Maharishi were perfect. So if there were problems, they must be with us.

TMers tended to shun people with problems — to avoid their "stress" or bad karma. So we learned to keep problems secret. We never knew many fellow TMers experienced similar things.

And, as a double-whammy, TM culture encouraged us to shun medical and mental health professionals. If we admitted seeing them, the Org barred us from future courses. Which had the same weight for us as a Catholic being separated from the sacraments.

If we sought help, we risked losing our connection to the only spiritual life we knew.

Please read this lengthy list with an open mind. And if these challenges are still keeping you from a happy, productive life, please consider seeking help.

depression

• sense of loss
• frequent crying
• unusual shame, guilt, or fear
• sucidal feelings or attempts
• grieving your loss of former group, friends, or family

Grieving up to a year or two after leaving is common. However, on-going or recurrent depression paralyzes some former cult members for many years after leaving.

anxiety & post-traumatic stress disorder

• panic or anxiety attacks
• unusual avoidance of gatherings of people, stressful situations, or uncomfortable feelings
• exaggerated startle reactions
• "flashbacks" of past trauma
• ritualistic behaviors to deal with anxieties
• shakiness
• trembling
• sweating
• cold/clammy hands
• dizziness
• jitteriness
• tension
• racing or pounding heart
• dry mouth
• numbness/tingling of hands, feet, or other body part
• high pulse and/or breathing rate
• nightmares
• dreams of being back in cult

overwhelming stress symptoms

• headaches
• muscle aches
• backaches
• asthma
• skin problems
• bowel problems
• unrealistic or excessive worry
• unrealistic fears concerning objects or situations

Former cult members often don't realize the stress they are under. They became accustomed to unusually high-levels of stress in their groups. Consider taking a stress inventory.

fatigue & sleep disturbances

• unusual over or under sleeping (hypersomnia/insomnia)
• on-going, disabling fatigue

dissociative states

• unusual or frequent staring vacantly into space
• "blissing out" or "spacing out"
• losing moments or hours of time
• losing track of where you are while driving
• not following conversations because you lose track of the thread
• feeling "not real," feeling separate from oneself

Often a friend or family member first notices these symptoms.

cognitive & language problems

• short-term memory difficulties (losing keys, etc.)
• difficulty remembering periods in life, especially from cult
• difficulty remembering names & faces
• concentration difficulties
• focus difficulties, jumping from activity to activity
• difficulty making decisions
• frequent difficulty finding words (perhaps related to aphasia or "tip of tongue" experience
• stuttering
• frequent forgetting what you are saying when speaking
• unusual lack of motivation to speak
• difficulty with reading comprehension (reading passages over & over again without understanding)

eating disorders

• anorexia
• binge-eating
• obesity

Eating disorders are frequently unhealthy attempts to re-establish environmental control. High-demand groups, such as cults, steal personal control from members.

identity confusion

• uncertainty over one's core values
• sexuality or gender confusion
• uncertain or frequently changing spirituality
• difficulty holding jobs or choosing career
• floating into and out of your cult or other high-demand groups

intimacy issues

• difficulty trusting, inappropriately trusting too much or too little
• difficulty making friendships or getting close to others
• having few or no close friends
• distance from family or friends
• fear of intimacy or commitment

thrill-seeking, risk-taking, compulsive pursuits

• workaholism
• alcoholism
• gambling
• promiscuity
• spending sprees
• shoplifting

miscellaneous psychological challenges

• disabling perfectionism, "nothing is ever good enough"
• exaggerated feelings of superiority
• exaggerated feelings of low-self esteem or unworthiness
• difficulty making decisions
• unusual dependency on others
• slowed psychological development (difficulty maturing)
• fear of God's punishment, ill health, financial ruin or other punishment for leaving group
• rigidity of beliefs or rules
• fear you're "going crazy"
• feeling as if others are watching you
• financial difficulties

See also Margaret Singer, PhD: "Coming out of the Cults," "Post-Cult After Effects."

John M. Knapp, LMSW
KnappFamilyCounseling.com

The Strengths of Former TMers

I want to post soon about after effects common for former cult members.

But a recent anonymous commenter reminded me we don't stress positives enough — and that may discourage people from beginning recovery.

Now, I know "symptom" lists are powerful things for my therapy clients. Lists offer some inkling that, yes, perhaps you suffer from a syndrome — but you are not alone. And you can do something about it.

I can't tell you how many adult children of alcoholics realize they suffer from a treatable syndrome just from reading such a list.

Lists also offer relief for many. They feel validated about experiences and feelings mainstream culture dismisses, denies, and judges. In truth, these "symptoms," which they may feel shame about, are common — even normal — for people in their situation.

So symptom lists can be a very positive thing — in their own way.

But I took our anonymous commenter's objection to heart. In my counseling, I do try to emphasize former cult members' strengths. A quibble I have with some cult counseling theories is they focus too much on "symptoms."

The danger? Creating a "victim" mentality.

Clients may become so caught up in blaming their cult they fail to take responsibility for making changes in their own life. The risk is they never get beyond the trauma. They fail to move on to a happier, more comfortable, more productive life.

So I thought, before I post an after effect list, I'd share the many strengths former cult members show.

And those I believe our commenters show every day here on TM=Free Blog.

• Compassion & Empathy: Having survived cultic abuse, you may be readier to empathize with someone else's grief. It's easy to see the difference between the care and concern our commenters show each other and the hurtful sarcasm so prevalent in the blogosphere.


• Analytical Thought: Most former cult members who go through conscious recovery — whether with a professional or on their own — think deeply about their core concerns. Duped in the past, you may exercise keen judgment and discernment so it never happens again.


• Social Activism & Altruism: Perhaps you joined a cult to seek spirituality or social justice. This often remains a core value after you leave. You may go on to political activism, cult activism, involvement in charity through your church or other organizations.


• Survival: Don't overlook the simple fact you survived cultic abuse with your mind and body intact. Celebrate this every day.


• Courage: This is particularly true if you walked out on your own. And it's present to the nth degree if you are an adult child of cult members. You never knew another way of life and may have lost your family and friend support network when you left. Yet you still left — and stayed out.


• Resourcefulness: Anybody who leaves a cult demonstrates a high-degree of self-reliance, resourcefulness, and independence. These strengths are strong pillars you will build a new life on.


• Skills: Don't overlook the skills you learned in your cult. Perhaps you learned a craft or profession. Using them after you leave is an ultimate revenge on the cult. But nearly everyone in a proselytizing group learned how to speak articulately and passionately. These are skills that are invaluable in career and family life.


• Sense of Humor: Freud termed this a "high-level defense" and praised its value for meeting life's challenges. In the cult, maybe we relied on sarcasm and other hurtful speech. But our commenters here show a gentle, playful sense of humor that is life-supporting.


• Optimism: People who throw off their cults' shackles are among the most optimistic people I know. You show a realistic view of the amazing possibilities of life now lived in freedom.


• Gratitude: It's easy to be grateful for every day lived when you recover from repression, fear, anxiety, depression, harsh judgment, and the other cult-life realities.


• Honesty & Trustworthiness: Many of us react strongly to the lies, fraud, and even criminality we participated in when in our cults. You may now resolve to live with a high-degree of honesty and integrity.


• Openness & Reflectiveness: These come with time. Many people first leaving a cult are closed down and suspicious. But you may come to live transparently, share experiences and feelings, and fearlessly reflect on them consciously.


• Inquisitiveness & Willingness to Explore: Did you become involved with your group because you were open to new things? After leaving, bolstered with increased analytical thinking, your openness is an attractive quality many people are drawn to.


• Fearlessness: Many, many of my clients go on to start businesses, go back to school, begin writing books, and much more. You may be eager to grab your "second chance" and head in new directions.


• Flexibility: In our cults, we learned at least two cultures, two languages. There was the language of the group — and then there was the language of "straight" society. Use that situational flexibility to further your career, develop new social skills, raise your kids. (What parent doesn't have to be flexible?)


• Ability to Cope with Difficulties: The pressures you experienced in your group may make you more able to handle stressful situations. It feels great when you stop beating your head against a wall! And handling the normal strains of mainstream life seem like nothing after the cult.


• Use External Challenges as Stimulus for Growth: You can be more conscious about turning bad things into good things.


• Intelligence & Creativity: The truth is cults attract the intelligent and creative. They can't use the weak. Some of the brightest and most creative people I've known were in my group. Freed from cult repression, you can go on to a remarkably successful career.


• Curiosity: Perhaps the same child-like curiosity — in the best sense — that led you into your group will lead to a rich and fulfilling life outside.


• Ability to Find Meaning Even in Adversity: You can find spiritual — or social/secular — meaning in what you endured.


• Sense of Direction & Purpose: Perhaps because you are keenly aware of time lost in the cult, you can seek new purpose more intensely.


• Ability to Grieve: You will say goodbye to the trauma — and integrate the good things about your cult — through conscious recovery. Despite what critics may say, most former cult members do not dwell on the past and domove on. I wish the same for all reading this!

Writing this post was very healing for me. Thanks to the anonymous commenter who inspired it!

If you think of other strengths to add, please use the comments below or write me directly at jmknapp53@gmail.com. Your contribution could inspire another former member.

John M. Knapp, LMSW
KnappFamilyCounseling.com

Rebalancing Your Life After the Cult

As I recently wrote, recovering from a cultic relationship successfully and permanently takes more than simply walking away. Among the people I've worked with in recovery, it's a fairly frequent occurrence that they "float" back in and out of their old, or another, cult. Or they may take up a new compulsive activity, such as gambling, substance abuse, unhealthy sexuality, workaholism, and so forth.

A major, if not main, reason for adopting new compulsive behaviors appears to be that cult members fail to fill the hole that leaving the group creates in their lives. Some former members miss the intensity of the high demands their group and leader placed on them. Some miss the sense of belonging to a community — no matter how dysfunctional. There are numerous other needs the old group may have filled.

If you hope to create a new life outside the cult — and not slip back into addictive behavior — you'll need to fill those needs in new ways.

I've identified 12 life areas that we all need to attend to if we are to have a rounded life. You can think of them as akin to a "food pyramid" for healthy living — 12 essential vitamins that must be present to keep us healthy, strong, and growing throughout our lifespan. These areas cluster in 4 "realms":

The Private Realm: Intimacy (Romance), Family, and Friends

The Public Realm: Career (or Education), Community, Law, and Finances

The Health Realm: Physical Well-Being, Emotional Well-Being, Mental Well-Being, and Recreation

The Spiritual Realm

In the diagram above, I show these as all co-equal slices of the life pie. The truth is no one balances their life so ideally. But if you are missing at least some attention to even one life section, it is very likely that you will experience dysfunction, pain, and unhappiness.

Balancing life is no mere academic exercise. It has practical benefits. When you are going through difficult times in your career, for instance, you may take pleasure in family and friends. Because a balanced life is more than simply work, you can maintain your equilibrium.

Now, for many cult members, all these sections are present, but in a very particular way. Rather than experiencing the lively colors of life, their entire life wheel is in shades of black and white. Every segment of their lives is colored by their cult involvement.



One chooses a love partner from the cult. One cuts back or cuts out connection to one's family — if they are not also involved with the cult. One chooses friends from the cult — but may not have any intimate friends because of the fear of their judgment by cult standards. And so it goes for all life realms.

Following are some suggestions you might consider if you have recently left a cult or are having difficulty creating a functioning, fulfilling life long after leaving.

THE PRIVATE REALM

• Intimacy (Romance): Many former cult members experience separation or divorce if they have been married to another cult member. Rather than rushing into a new intimate relationship as you recover from cult involvement, I recommend that my clients consider focusing on rebalancing their lives for at least a year before entering into a new romantic attachment. That way, you will have made considerable progress in cult recovery, and the new relationship won't be overshadowed by lingering emotional baggage from the cult involvement. (Note that this same formula is suggested in Alcoholics Anonymous to newly recovering alcoholics, for similar reasons.)


• Family: Contact family members that you have fallen out of touch with. I know for myself, that during the 15 years of my deepest cult involvement, I saw family members only a few times. Because I was out of the habit of connecting with them, I actually scheduled appointments in my daily organizer to contact parents once a week and siblings at least once a month. Habits that come naturally to people in mainstream society have to be consciously practiced by many former cult members. (Note that this presents a particular challenge for Adult Children of Cult Members whose family remains involved with their cult.)


• Friends: Many former cult members report having few or no intimate friends. I call these "3 a.m. Friends" — people you know you could call in the middle of the night if you needed them. Most adults have at least a few such close friends. If you don't have someone you can tell your secrets to and trust they will keep the communication private, think about putting effort into developing at least three.

THE PUBLIC REALM

• Career (or Education): Former cult members may have replaced a natural ambition to achieve career-wise with a single-minded desire to move ahead "spiritually" in their group. It may take serious effort to restart a career stalled through cult involvement. Take Back Your Life, by Lalich and Tobias, devotes 3 full pages to helping former cult members develop résumés: "Evaluate your strengths, weaknesses, and skills as objectively as possible. Make a list of everything you did before you joined the cult, as well as what you did while in the cult. Separate the list into activities and accomplishments that could translate to the working world." If you worked for the cult, you may have developed important skills that will win you a job. Also consider returning to school. College or graduate school are socially acceptable ways of gaining credentials — and reinventing yourself.


• Community: Over and above making friends, community connections bring great joy to most lives. Consider joining community groups like the Rotary, fire departments or other volunteer groups, sports leagues, religious groups (see "Spirituality" below), political organizations, 12-Step groups, hobbyist groups, book clubs, craft groups — there are dozens of possibilities. The goal here is to feed the natural human need for society — something no romantic or intimate friendship can satisfy, no matter how intense.


• Law: Many former cult members don't understand why I include this section to my life wheel. This is because this may be the most overlooked element in cult life. Most members I've worked with have had unpaid traffic tickets, lapsed licenses, uninspected cars, unfiled tax returns, untidy divorces with unfiled papers, child support in arrears, bankruptcies (see "Finances" below), and other legal difficulties both major and minor. Take an honest inventory of your legal obligations, and, if necessary, seek out professional help to straighten them out. It's amazing how much mental energy can be consumed by having these details hanging over your head.


• Finances: Many cult members have spent tens of thousands of dollars, if not hundreds of thousands, on products pushed by the cult, such as courses and seminars, "education," food, "medicine," and more. It's not unusual for a former member to be in need of filing bankruptcy. At the very least, many, many former members are earning far less than their potential would indicate (see "Career" above). Getting together with a financial professional, as well as a career counselor or coach, may be indicated.

THE HEALTH REALM

• Physical Well-Being: It's not unusual for former cult members to have let their health suffer. All their financial resources may have gone into the products of the cult. It's wise to get a physical from your medical provider, a dental exam, and review your diet with a credentialed dietician.


• Emotional Well-Being: Former cult members may have learned to stuff emotions, avoid them with dissociative practices like chanting or meditation, or express them in unhealthy ways in their cult. Unfortunately, many, many cults indoctrinate members with taboos against working with mental health professionals. Like the Church of Scientology, many cults see mental health professionals as competitors for their members income. While many people walk away from their relationships with a cult without seeking professional help, I recommend that members get some form of formal mental health evaluation — if only one or two sessions with a counselor — to make sure their are no lingering emotional issues. If it makes sense to get your teeth checked regularly, wouldn't it make sense to undergo a mental health checkup after as traumatic an event as leaving a cult? I recommend locating a professional who has some experience with cult issues. You can find links to a number of them in the column on the right of this blog.


• Mental Well-Being: Here I'm referring not to psychological well-being, but rather cognitive well-being. Many members report having difficulty with everyday tasks such as reading with comprehension, simple math skills, memory and concentration, making decisions, and more. Former Transcendental Meditation member Pat Ryan suggests making a habit of reading at least one news or magazine article a day to build up reading comprehension and focusing skills. To this I add the recommendation that you add pastimes that give your mind a workout, such as crosswords, chess, card games, book clubs, and similar activities to exercise your brain.


• Recreation: Former members who have been focused intently on cult-based activities frequently have trouble simply relaxing. Many health club members think nothing of scheduling three exercise sessions a week. Shouldn't we schedule regular relaxation as well to maintain optimal physical and mental health? Take a peek at this article that I've written on "relaxation therapy" to get some ideas on regular activities you can add to your routine.

THE SPIRITUAL REALM
By far this appears to be the most problematic life area for former cult members. I remember trying to attend various churches, temples, and spiritual centers after leaving my cult. It seemed I got the heebie-jeebies just being in a room with a group of people who all agreed with each other. It was a huge cult trigger for me — and seems to be shared by most of the former cult members I've worked with. Spirituality means so many different things to different people. I try to use the broadest definition possible: the need to identify with something larger than the self. This can be God, but it certainly doesn't have to be. For some it is science, for others, nature, friends, family, volunteer work, meditation, prayer, so many different things. People who neglect spirituality in the broadest sense frequently have trouble finding meaning and purpose in life. Focusing too much on one's individual needs seems to lead to suffering just as surely as not focusing enough. If groups are a trigger for you, as they were for me, you might consider joining email listservs or reading spiritual newsgroups on the Web. For many people, the distance that reading and responding online offers eases the discomfort of group activities, such as attending church.

There is much more I could write on this topic — and I intend to return to it in the future on this blog. But it's my hope that reading over these musings will give former cult members some ideas for reconstructing their life after leaving their cult.

John M. Knapp, LMSW
KnappFamilyCounseling.com

Cult Recovery: A Razor's Edge

Being 12 years into my own recovery from Transcendental Meditation, and having worked with some 2000+ other former cult members, I've come to the conclusion that recovery from cult abuse is a lot trickier than simply repudiating one's group and walking away.

At the outset, I'd like to say that the majority of people who walk away from a cult do so without any outside help. Whether one should seek help or not depends largely on how long one was involved, the intensity of the involvement, and one's own pre-existing emotional vulnerabilities. For most people, simply coming to the realization that they've been conned is enough motivation to walk away.

But for thousands of other former cult members, walking away is a messy process.

Some float in and out of their old group — or join a new, similar group. They may miss the intensity, the sense of belonging, or fail to rebalance their lives outside of the cult. (I hope to write more on this last point in the next few days.) They may throw themselves into another all-encompassing activity such as workaholism, intense emotional relationships, alcohol or drugs, gambling, or other compulsive preoccupations. (Continuing to meditate after leaving the group can contribute to "floating" for some people. See "Trance & Meditation Addiction" and "How to Stop Meditating Step by Step.")

And for some, myself included, they may actually throw themselves unhealthily into saving the world from their cult. Thirteen years ago when I first left TM, I was advised by Steve Hassan and Jajna Lalich, two well-known anti-cult activists, to wait at least a year before becoming active in TM and cult activism. They indicated they thought it best I process my feelings about my cult involvement fully before working with others to leave Transcendental Meditation.

Unfortunately, I didn't listen. Throwing myself into activism too early prolonged the emotional roller coaster leaving my cult caused. It was some years before I could express my feelings — anger, a sense of betrayal, grief, guilt, shame, and more — without becoming overwhelmed.

For me and others I've worked with, these emotional difficulties can appear to fulfill the cults' warnings that life will be hell if you leave — whether through "unstressing," "bad karma," or "mental illness."

And there is significant danger that, in a vulnerable state, former cult members will be taken advantage of by another con man or woman. Or even create a new cultic relationship with benign groups, such as anti-cult movements. It is all too easy to substitute the black/white, all-or-nothing thinking of a group like TM for black/white thinking of an anti-cult group. It can be difficult to maintain a perspective that includes both the good and the bad aspects of one's cult experience. In essence, this leads one to cut out a vast chunk of one's life — the period of cult involvement. (A tell-tale symptom: having difficulty remembering details about one's life in the cult.)

It's even possible to develop an unhealthy relationship with a counselor or therapist, substituting a new dependency on one's therapist for the dependency one experienced with the cult.

Involving oneself with any group or professional, look for evidence that they encourage independent thinking. Expect, even demand, that your therapist redirects your feelings toward yourself. The new group or professional should redirect your gratitude toward the work you are doing and your accomplishments in therapy — rather than toward the therapist's skill or insight. The focus should be on the work, not the professional or group. Seek out professionals who encourage self-empowerment and developing your own innate strengths — rather than substituting their opinions and advice for that of your former cult. It takes more work to develop your own truth about your cult involvement, but it's the only real path to reclaiming your life for yourself.

For many deeply involved individuals, leaving a cult is like walking a razor's edge. In my experience, people who are experiencing significant troubles in their lives — such as difficulty holding jobs, financial difficulties, depression, disturbing cult-related dreams, PTSD — are well advised to look for professional help from licensed professionals with experience in cults. People who have the courage to ask for help recover most easily and gracefully.

John M. Knapp, LMSW
http://KnappFamilyCounseling.com/cultstmf.com